whispers of memory

Good Grief Charlie Brown....

2006-12-11T18:47:00.000-08:00

Has it really been that long since Ive blogged. Oh my goodness. Im sitting here tonite and the music to a "Charlie Brown Christmas is going through my head. Alot has happened since Ive shared last. I find it hard this time of year anyway and this year is even harder. Since I last blogged my father passed away. There was no fanfare, he wasnt alone, he just quietly went. And for all intense and purposes he was gone out of my life again,just like he did when I was a kid. He would be around long enough for a good time or not such a good time and he was gone. I had hopes of getting closer with him maybe even getting him up here where my sister and i could take care of him, but he was gone before any of that. The same weekend my eldest daughter moved into her own place. Talk about quiet around here. I miss that little man alot and I miss the sound of my daughters voice. Its just not the same. I am so excited for her new life. Im proud of her but with everything else....it hurts. I also changed careers. I am back at the 9-5 at Blue Cross again. I am enjoying it and am looking at it in different perspective and am excited about the opportunities there. I am still training part time at nite and am glad I can still do it. I love training. I am also training for a marathon in St louis in april so Im really trying to plug in the miles. Just alot going on. Took part in the Journey to Bethlehem again this year and discovered something about myself... I do have a testimony and I hope it brought God all of the glory. Never mind my shaking knees.
I have also been leading Womens Bible study on Tuesday nites Beth Moore's "Daniel" study and it is awsome. I may have to go back and do it again to get what I was too blown away by to pick up the first time. :o) God is so good.
We had a ton of snow 2 weeks ago and I loved it. Cant wait for the next round...would like it to be Christmas eve but will take it whenever. My family is good. The girls are growing so much. Nikki is working with Mike and I at BCBS and she is liking her first real job. Chrissy is working at Shopko and is wowing us with her grades in school like always. Morgan is growing into quite the teenager. She just suprises me everyday. My little man is growing sooo fast. talking running around and tearing everything up he can get his hands on...Wow.
I am so blessed and still I sit here with an aching heart. I guess it just that now I have time to kind of process everything that has happened and it is sinking in. The bright lights, the decorations, the music is all so precious. Makes my heart just well up. God has blessed us all so much. Friends and family are all that matters in this life. Everything else will pass away....its the impressions we leave behind that matters. The lives weve been fortunate enough to touch. You have all touched mine in some way and I am blessed.

What can I say.....

2006-09-28T16:57:00.000-07:00

I have a father. Now for most that is not a stretch....we all do :o) However, mine has been absent for most of my life by his own choice. He was to put it litely very involved with himself and his life and well, we were just in the way. He chose his own road and once or twice in my life I have so ached for that relationship that I have allowed him to come close only to have my heart and my emotional state ripped to shreds so after the last go around I said no more. End of sentence. Now, my Mother remained socialble and pleasant to him even after everything he had done to her. Missing teeth, bruises, unexplained children....she just forgave and went on with her life and was civil to him. He was after all our father. She let us make our own decision about him and never and I mean never said a mean thing about him. We said that enough for her. As far as we kids were concerned whatever he got in this life was never enough for all of the pain and suffering he caused. When he finally decided that she and "her" five children were weighing him down he asked for a divorce and we celebrated. I know we were kids. The terror, the fear, it was going to be gone. For years after that his visits became less and less and the money less and less and we lived our lives the best we knew how. Happy but hard. We had the very best mother in the world thats why. We all married, had children and every now and again he would show up to show off a new wife or a new car or whatever to make himself look big and then be gone again. Fifteen years as a matter of fact. Well, my world has come to a screetching halt in the last 2 weeks. I recieved a phone call right before going into a job interview that he is really bad and not expected to live through the weekend. Shockingly.....I begin to get a very sick feeling and begin to weep uncontrollably. Why?? he was never there, he was a monster, why did my heart break? I made it through the interview and went home the rest of the day in mourning and waiting for the phone to ring. I had no idea how to get a hold of anyone to get an update.....I just waited. And while I waited, God showed up. He reminded me that this man, for whatever reason for what small season was my father and he needed me. Everyday I as for grace and forgiveness....I need it everyday, but I cant expect to recieve it if Im not willing to give. I had been toying in my mind over the last year or so of finding him and trying to extend the had of forgiveness to him, but have been putting it off and now here I was probably not going to get the chance. I dont think I could life with myself. I finally pulled myself together and with my brother found the nursing home where he was. I waited again to get the courage to call. I finally did and spoke with one of his nurses. She began with a list of things so bad I was suprised he was still with us. He was esentially rotting from the inside out. The suggested probably less than 4 months and that was stretching it. My heart just broke. They said he was alone....that he was steadily going down hill. Would I want to talk with him....I cant breathe.....Oh I dont know...she said he would just be tickled if I did. I still cant breathe....you dont understand Im scared to death of this man....I cant....but my mouth said...."sure". He was eating at that time and she asked me to call back in 20 minutes they needed him to try to get something down. I said I would. I dont know if I can....Lord, I know I need to do this but Im scared. I cried and prayed and after 20 minutes...I was dialing the phone. The nurse put me through but it wasnt the voice I knew....it was a very weak, old, confused voice on the phone....Hello Dad. From then on it was me comforting him. I was the adult. He was confused and scared....but so happy to talk to me and would love so much to see me. I promised I would get there. I hung up the phone and cried for another hour. Then a peace I had never known before. I knew I had done the right thing. I knew my heavenly Father was happy with me. I could just feel His presence in everything Ive been doing over the last 2 weeks. He hasnt left my side. He is so close, even tonite. My sister and I was going to go on Saturday to see him but she backed out so Mike promised he and I would go on friday the 29. That Sunday nite we got a call he was doing much worse. All morning Monday I just had a feeling I needed to go. I call Mike, who was off, and he said lets go. I called the nursing home before we left and they said it was a good thing I was coming because they didnt think it would be much longer. It took us 3 grueling hours to get there but we made it. I walked and was told he was in the hall way waiting for me but I never saw him. There was just this frail old man in a wheel chair but that was it...where was he....she told me...well, that him. I just dropped to my knees. I got up and ran outside to pull it together. This monster of a man had waisted away to this frail feeble creature. Lonely, in alot of pain and not coherant at all. I finally went up to him and called out to him...."Dad, Dad...he opened his eyes and looked right at me...I said.."its Ginny,Dad, Ginny...for that brief moment it looked like he was there...he said my name and then he was gone again.He never came back during my visit. I was so heartbroken. He made this life for himself but no matter what he has done in the past I cant stand that he is alone. I have resolved to be there for him. I want him to know that because of the love I have been shown and because of the grace I have been given I can love him now. Even when maybe he cant understand and it might be too late. I see in him what was loveable and might be left is all I have to cling to right now. I so desperately wanted a father. So for a very short period I have been blessed to care for one.Even now I hurt for him. I wish he were closer but he just cant do that. So I will call and do what I can for him here. And maybe for just a moment he will come back and remember I was there and what I said and see the pictures I left and know that he is loved........I really hope so.

"40"

2006-09-05T10:55:00.000-07:00

Well, it finally happened to me. Ive watched several of my friends do this and now it was my turn.....I turned 40 Sunday. I made it, I didnt stop breathing, I didnt find any gray hairs. It came very beautifully though. My family knew I didnt want the big "Oh my gosh look how old she is" party. I just wanted it to be peaceful. I was just beautiful. It started Friday when my friend sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. Followed by Saturday's delivery of chrisanthimums(?) from my Gma. Sunday I got up and made my favorite meal lasagna and then the fun started. I was sent down to pick up my Gma. When I arrived home in the front room was a new bike that I had wanted. I was suprised. Black ballons, crepe paper and my husband just grinning from ear to ear....he had gotten me!! On the table were more gifts so being the 3yr old I can be I dove right in. The first was a Dallas Cowboy jersey, then a Pat Benetar cd to go with my new cd,clock radio for my bathroom. Then the very last thing was in a beautiful bag. Mike asked that I open it last....inside was a photo album/memory book where he over the course of the previous 3 days had filled it with picutres from my life from when I was maybe 2 all the way to current pictures. It was filled with pictures of loved ones and family members. Good times and sad. I was so choked up I couldnt speak. This wonderful family of mine had been up until 1:00 in the am to get all of this together for me. How awsome is that? I cant believe a guy would think of something so special. Ive been carrying it around today showing all of my clients and friends. It was very special. Nikki and Brenden gave me a brand new cross necklace which in and of itself is neat because on my 20 bday Mike gave me a new cross necklace. Do you see how the tapestry of life just flows....I take it for granted and sometimes I never see it...but I did Sunday. Being 40 is great....I still act like Im 10 most days and feel like Im 20 so all in all Its good. I have been blessed with a lifetime of wonderful friends and loved by the most wonderful family. I am truly blessed beyond what I ever could have deserved....Yep, its great on this side....could be my best decade ever...wait, is that a gray hair....where is my beauticians number!!!!!! :o)

Coming together

2006-08-21T18:44:00.000-07:00

Im sorry I got to this first and I know I wont be able to do it justice but I just had to blog about yesterday and last nite:o)

In our community yesterday we had 6 predominatly black churches and 6 predominately white churches swap ministers. This is in an effort to try to knock down not only racial walls but denominational ones as well. I had made up my mind to go back to my oldhomestead and visit MPCC because Bishop EL Warren was speaking there and I had heard what a wonderful speaker he was. It was nice to be back in familiar surroundings. I wept during communion time just remembering all of the wonderful years I had been there. I guess I was there to knock down a few walls of my own. The message was great but I felt he held back. I cant imagine how nervous these men of God must have been walking into unfamiliar territory. But he did a great job and I feel his message blessed those who heard it. I was glad I went. I heard he did an even better job in the second service so I was a little disappointed I went to first.
I had great anticipation for what was to come in the evening. I just knew something wonderful was going to happen. I just wasnt sure if I was prepared enough. I had the opportunity to be in the choir and to meet alot of these wonderful brothers and sisters of mine in Christ. It was just so moving to be with the rest of the family. Once last nite finally got going the roof just blew off of the place. When the doors were opened droves of people came pouring in like the Israelites must have looked when they were crossing the Red Sea. Thats what it looked like...or maybe what it might be like when the very gates of heaven open to let us all come home....just one people. It didnt end there, once the welcome was issued it was on!!! God was in this house and His people were all together to worship Him. We were there for no other reason that to life Him up with one voice. There was no color, there was no denomination just His children at play in worship. To look out on these people was humbling and it reminded me that I am part of a much bigger picture and that thought I may not always see it, it is real and it is there. My heart about exploded with the thoughts of all of the love this family has for its heavenly Father. You could see it on each and every face. I have never witnessed anything quite like this. These words are not enough and will never be able to scratch the surface for what God did in this place last nite....but most of what He does leaves us searching for words, which is probable when He wants us to be still and know He is God. I just know in my heart of hearts that the very floors of heaven had to be opened so He could lean forward to see this from His very throne and with such eagerness He had to come and dwell with us in this. You could feel His very presence in this place....it was electric. So many times I just wanted to drop to my knees and cry Holy,HOLY,HOLY....I am not worthy. This had to be just a glimpse of what heaven will be like.....how awsome will that time be...thank you Lord for loving me and bringing me into this family of yours.

Patience

2006-08-11T11:40:00.000-07:00

No, I am not a patient person. Never have been with most things. I fly by the seat of my pants most days and love it.:o) Over the last couple of months I have been wrestling with some heavy duty stuff in the work department. I love what I am doing but in the last several months I have become painfully aware that the picture I had in my head of what I would be doing is not the same. I wanted desperately to impact and change live in the fitness industry. I had for years been in bondage and had been freed and I want others who are in that same bondage to know freedom can come to them. Unless you have worn these chains there is no way you can know what it is like and when one of us finally breaks free we want to know what the answer is. I so desperately wanted to share that with everyone. However, like I said in the past few months I feel as though I am no longer making that difference. My clients for the most part are in good shape or have no desire to go any further than where they are now and that is fine. I am not disputing that, but, I wanted to work with those who feel as though they have no where to turn and have been where I have been. I dont feel in my present job Im doing that. For one, its really expensive. Yes, it takes alot of money to keep current on education and my certifications but thats not why I believe I am here. Most individuals who carry these chains in reality cant afford a personal trainer. Shoot, if I wasnt one I know I couldnt afford it either!! I just feel like I have come to a fork in the road. My daughter goes to college in 2 years and she wants to major in law. I cant send her to school on a personal trainers fluxuating salary. Comes a choice in peoples lives when they have to choose...put gas in your car or pay for your trainer.....I would put gas in my car. Thus the other side of my problem. Its tough out there for most folks. Especially the normal 9-5 ers who but their hump everyday...and some of these are the people I so desperatly want to help. Im not sure where God wants me. I think that is the hard part. I am very happy with doing what Im doing Im just not sure that I can accomplish what I want to. I would go back to the 9-5 if I need to and work the personal training on the side. That would be fine too....Im just sitting in limbo right now. Praying for the guidance and wisdom to do the thing He wants me to do and be in the place where He can use me. No, Im not patient. But I know my time isnt His. Please pray for me and my family. Im not sure what to pray for but I just want to be obedient to what He wants for me....:o)

Bits and pieces :o)

2006-08-09T12:44:00.000-07:00

Ok I just have to address this to start off with because if I hear of one more hollywood actor say " I am not going to work with Mel Gibson ever again"...Im going to puke..Agreed, he made a huge mistake and I am glad he has from what I hear been very remorseful, and has been made accountable for his actions. It sounds as though he has been wrestling with this addiction for years and perhaps now God has gotten his attention and can work through this with Him. Agreed...bad idea to drive with an open container of alcohol while you are drunk.
BUT.....never in his whole life did he say he was Jesus. Never did he say he made "The Passion" and it made him holy. Never ever did he say he was perfect. This just shows that he himself is in need of the passion of Christ just like the rest of us and it serves as a reminder to us that it is always there for us when we ask. So to all of those who are sitting in judgement...."Let those among you who is without sin, who has never done or said something totally stupid, or has done something they have regretted....cast the first stone....or step up to the mic...otherwise....SHUT UP, LEAVE HIM ALONE AND PRAY FOR HIM. AND PRAY THAT IF YOU EVER MAKE A MISTAKE NO ONE EVER FINDS OUT ABOUT IT!!.
Sorry for the tantrum. I have been a Mel fan for years and know he needs prayer and sounds like he is truly a nice man who made a really bad choice.
done with that.

I have to say I am loving this week. Its VBS and i love the little smiling faces and voices and little hands and feet and kool-aid and cookies and Jesus just all over the place. I am never going to get the "Hippo" song out of my head and am searching for a stuffed one now because that is the one song these kids just absolutely love and it will remind me of each and everyone of them. :o) Im so glad I was blessed enough to get to do this with them. My kool-aid mustouche is great and I love cookies!!!!!! Im just about as tall as they are and I love that they love to sing to Jesus. I am blessed. And in the turmoil of my life right now everything else is made smaller by these little smiling faces. And I was supposed to minister to them. Wonder if they will ever know how they have made my heart overflow....thank you Lord for these little ones :o)

Dog....on a leash??

2006-07-04T06:27:00.000-07:00

I have to admit while I was sitting in church Sunday I had this image in my head of a dog on a leash. No our sermon wasnt about a dog. It was about sharing the Gospel with the lost. I know in my own life I havent done enough of that. I have always wanted to take a mission trip with my church. I would not be a missionary I truly believe I wasnt called for that but I have so wanted to ....."go". I would have gone with Josh to Amsterdam. I hurt for those lost women. Those lost souls. I almost wept. I know we have the very same lost souls in this country, but there is just something about taking it to another country. Maybe its the anninimity of being from America. Perhaps they are more open I dont know but I would have gone. I was looking at my own life. There are times in my life I feel lost. I am so fortunate that early in my life I chose to be a believer. I havent lead the most perfect life but I know to whom I belong. I celebrate that all of the time. But this is where the part of the dog on the leash came in. I was just thinking in our communion time that I am much like a little Pommeranian. You know those fuzz ball dogs who are only about 2 inches tall but just yip their head off and just pull at the leash like there is something sooo much better on the other side of the leash. I got to thinking.....Im kind of like that....alot. I yip and pull at my leash because I just know there has to be something better ahead when the whole time God is trying to hang on to me to keep me safe. He knows better than me but still I just keep pulling on that leash. He doesnt want to control me He wants to protect me. He wants me to just submit to Him out of my own free will and just walk with Him. But me, Im jumping pulling, yanking, dragging. If I would just trust and believe in Him totally and just walk with Him I would find fullfillment and peace. Do you see how twisted I am :o) I know He gave me this vision. Im not sure why. Perhaps He knows that I would immediately relate to this and just understand He wants so much to do what is best for me. That He wants nothing more than to walk with me, to walk in front of me, behind me, and all around me. He just wants me. Imperfections and all. He wants to use me. His love is unconditional. Wow, all of that from a dog on the leash. Its true though, if we just submit and walk with Him we find that peace and contentment we have been pulling, dragging, tugging, dragging around for. Im going to try to remember that vision. I just dont want Him putting a choke collar on me....I would surely hang myself with that one. :o) Anybody got a Scoobie snack?? Here is to praying for that submission. I would so love for God to send me. I know He has, but I know there is this longing in my heart for a reason and I know it will show itself in His time. When He knows Im ready....walk gin, dont pull at the leash, just walk.

Confessions of a redneck lover:o)

2006-06-13T08:32:00.000-07:00

Ok I have to confess....I love The Blue Collar Comedy stuff. I roll and laugh so hard I almost wet myself. I dont know if its just because Im a little twisted or if I am a true for real bone a fide redneck...but I love it. I just giggle if one of their antics creeps its way into my brain. Im going to share one just cause I think you all need a giggle today....Ron White is one of the comedians...yes, he always has a glass of scotch in his hand and yes he has a big ole cigar in the other but some of his stuff is funny. This particular concert was in Washington DC and he happened to have his wife along with him on this trip. They took a trip around town to see the sights. They drive past a particular monument and she leans over to him..."Which building is that?" He responds" Well honey, (takes a drink and a drag on his cigar) during the Clinton administration it was a Hooters, but now that the Bush's are back its the Washington Monument". Im sorry I thought that was hilarious. It just tickled me for some reason. I know this little blog wont give it justice so if you happen to run across it while you are channel surfing. Watch it. Bill Engval finds himself in a perdicament where he reminds God he is a C student and if this is a test he is in trouble.....more funny stuff.
Hope you are having a great day. Mine started off just totally blessed. Continuing on with my Bible study. Another great Beth Moore study. This one about prayer. Just great. Had a great run....6 miles of pure beauty on a beautiful late spring morning. The smells of some of the beautiful flowers out there were just amazing. :o) Did I mention Im getting a new front door and screen door. Im so excited about it. I feel kind of giddy. I know its a door but I have wanted a new one for a long time and the 30 year old one on here needs to be retired. Cant wait:o) Just dont know what color to paint it. The screen door will be almond colored but my shutters are dark chocolate brown...what do I do!!!!!!! Pray for enlightenment or for someone to give me some wonderful advice. hee hee
GODS GREATEST BLESSING ON YOU ALL....Look up today...close your eyes and just Breathe :o)

It was a bit familiar and comfortable....

2006-06-11T16:35:00.000-07:00

This past Wed nite I headed to church for worship practice. I was ready. I was just excited to get to go and share a corporate time of worship with some wonderful people:o) I got there a little early and happened to notice my friend walking into what I assumed to be her new office. I hadnt really had a chance to see her in her new surroundings. Although I had been wondering how she was doing, was the transition going well, was she happy. Well after reading her blogs Im seeing she is right where God intended her to be all along. I followed her right in and just leaned against the wall. Yes, the color of the walls were different. Yes, her desk was smaller as was the whole room. She was very happy with the location and I could see it was already transforming into a familiar place. No the room itself wasnt so familiar it was what transpired next.....we began to talk. Me leaned up against the wall, her sitting in her chair moving some books on to her shelf. Her asking me deep personal questions that only we would share and me opening up hurts to her that I would share with no one else. Her showing such compassion on her face and me feeling such peace being in this place with her. No, this journey for either one of us has been easy but this, this was just.....familiar and wonderful. Finally coming full circle to what we had left so many months earlier. No, the faces and voices arent the same....but He is. The reason we were brought together in the first place still very much the reason we were sharing in this special moment together as only the two of us could. Good stuff!!!
Man, I cant believe that I get to be a part of this. Standing on a stage with a peace I havent had in a while. Perhaps walls have finally started coming down. Yes, turmoil still rolls in my life. Even now I am working through some major junk and have finally come to the conviction I need more than just my small mind to pull this altogether. Hoping to talk with someone who can just give us a little guidance on this road. Yep, this was familiar. There was finally a security in what I was doing that I havent had in a long time. Even messed up Saturday nite and it didnt even bother me. As long as God was honored it just didnt matter...couldnt have said that a year ago :o) Worship rocked today. That Ben Harris has a wonderful heart. And I would take the stage with that group any day any time. Such abandon...honesty, love. God was walking through those isles today. Standing next to people with His arms open wide. What did I do to have the blessing to be where I am. God is so good. He is unchanging.
Yep, this was familiar at times but yet just a bit better......

Big Fat Liars!!!!!

2006-05-30T18:27:00.000-07:00

Ok, I have managed to recover from my last post. Yes things have settled down and I am now using my own wellness coaching I am learning on myself. It has helped. Just when I needed it. Not sure I was coming up from that pile but thank the Lord in heaven He held out His hands and picked me up under my arms and carried me....still is today. I now have to address flooring companies. Yes, you heard it right.....Laminet flooring companies.:"Oh its soooo easy, you can do it yourself!" Put the box down and walk away unless you have someone who can help you. We began our little project on Sunday after my daughter's 16 birthday bash. We swam on Saturday then partied in the evening. Got up early ran, got dressed and pulled up the existing flooring. Ran into problem after problem. Dry rot by the front door had to jimmy that one....Uneven doorways.UGH!!! Then we began laying the floor. Thank the Father, who knew our weaknesses and sent my brother over to help. What was supposed to be a 5 hour project just finished last nite at 11:00. It is done. It is beautiful....but dear Lord, I have a hall to do yet. We are waiting a couple of weeks for that one. Dont think my temper could remain in tact with that one. My salvation could be called into question :o) hee hee. Im so grateful for my bro...he hasnt been in my life all that much but over the last few months since Easter he's just dropped by to visit and come to eat. So nice to have family.
Things with my daughter are still one the mend. Still broke up with the daddy and is finally taking him to court to help him to be responsible for this little life he helped create. I get easily frustrated and mad. I pray God to keep me on the path and just trust Him because He knows what is happening and He is in control. I just pray that she will find her faith again. And learn to put her life in His hands. He can mend the broken lives we make for ourselves if we will just let Him. I hope reconciliation comes quickly for us all. I know my little heart has been troubled and probably a little stubborn but am willing for Him to have it back. When will I ever learn to just let it go....Keep working on me Lord....I will get it someday. I hope we all do....He is just so patient. I need to learn that for myself. Can I learn it now?? ha ha.

If you need uplifting...this isnt the entry for you.....

2006-05-24T17:23:00.000-07:00

I admit it, Im broken, Im done Ive had quite enough. I have been bombarded by so much this week I just cant take it anymore. Enough for a liftime I do believe. I know life will be full of ups and downs but this has been all down and Im so far in the pit....I dont think I can crawl out. Things have been on the downslide for a few days and on Monday, hell broke loose. Nikki is really tearing at the fabric of our family. Not so much her, but her attitudes, her behaviors, bitterness and hatefulness. Its just too much. Monday nite her "boyfriend"got kicked out of his house and she wanted him to move in here. No, they have been on shaky ground for a few days, no way. She then proceeds to attack both of us. Finally threatening to leave. She has no where to go, no money, I know she was going to go be with Chris wherever he was. We both stood our ground and said you can leave but you leave "B" here with us until you find a place. Then it broke loose, telling her dad and I she hated us etc etc. I know kids get angry, but that really hurt....picking and siding with "him" over us. Her dad had enough and told her to leave...go to her Grandma's until she found a place to go. She got her way. She left. I cried so hard. She spent the nite on the phone to "him" only to find out he didnt want her and didnt care that she and his son didnt have a place to go. She got a wake up call. There are more devistating things that happened that I dont care to share on the web , but it was enough to bring me to my knees at the DMV while getting my other daughter's drivers liscense. I cant believe all of this is happening. She promises she is done with him. He abandoned her and the baby in their time of need and pretty much verbally abused her. She wants nothing to do with him. I want to belive her but this has been said in the past. Now, granted some of the things that have happened are pretty bad and I think perhaps the lite of day have dawned but I dont know. Im lost, sad, mad, brokenehearted, confused...you name it. Im trying to hold out hope but that thread is very thin. This is one of those times Im just done with everything. I feel like just withdrawing and licking my wounds but I know thats what the enemy wants. Still it sounds so inviting.....I told you this wasnt the entry for you if you needed a pick me up.....Im on the bottom here and it aint pretty. Sorry guys. I know no one has died. I just feel like part of me has. Her confidence died. Her faith has died. I know no one is fatally ill. I just feel ill. I know this will pass but Im tellin ya there are going to be some really big scars when this is done. Does anyone have the number to a really good plastic surgeon....he will need to fix my scars.

Another great weekend!!

2006-05-14T17:59:00.000-07:00

No there was no chocolate fountain this weekend but never the less-it was great!! Saturday I got up and went for a run then went to South Park to lead our Park Workout.Yes, alot of workout but I knew this weekend was going to be not so good for the ole' healthy eating plan. Yes, Im 1 pound 10 oz from my goal I set 6 years ago. Im going to try to keep going if my body lets me but Im still very happy. Enough of that. After the workouts, I went home to get ready for our Ladies Brunch at the country club. I was very nervous since I was the speaker. I really enjoy public speaking but it has been a very long time. Thought I was going to ralph but I had some wonderful friends who were praying for me and just kept telling me they knew it would be great. I didnt care about great I just wanted God honoring. My knees were shaking. I got to see two best friends do their very best to say goodbye with as much class as they could. Bust....we were all bawling as Becky Zahn, one of the sweetest people you will ever meet, sing a song she wrote for her best friend Holly Knight,also one of the sweetest people you will ever meet. I really love these girls, their spirit, the way they love God and how it just ooozzes out of them. I was also very jelouse. Sad, I know, bad dog, I know but I was. Those kind of friendships dont come along very much and when you get to witness it you just feel overwhelmed. Im sorry to say I dont have one of those close friendships right now and I must confess I miss it. Anywho, they were wonderful and I had to follow them....YIKES!! But I got up and just let God do His thing and hopefully He was honored. I sat with both Holly and Becky so I got to feel this love thing just ooze all over me...I loved it. Got to spend some time sharing with Becky and I do believe she is really some one I want to get to know better. She has such a heart after God and she is just so gifted. I got to meet a friend of hers today who sat at the table also her name is Sara. She gave me probably one of the nicest compliments. She thought I was someone she needed to get to know...she said she thought I was a Godly woman. No one has every said that to me before. It really made me think. My life isnt perfect am I really deserving of that kind of praise....I dont know but she seems awfully sweet and sick and twisted too, so God is working on bringing new people in my life. It was a beautiful brunch. I sat next to my Mom-in-Love. She and I have come a long way in our relationship. I had to work out a lot of issues but Ive come to love this woman so much and look forward to spending time with her. It was just nice.
Sang on team, which always leaves me amazed. God just moves in this place. Today being Mother's Day is bittersweet but Im not sure what I did in my life to be so very blessed to be a mother. Im not deserving of that honor but Im so glad God entrusted these 3 lives to me plus 1. Im not the perfect "Beaver Cleaver" mom but Im overwhelmed with love for these little lives. Its never boring in my home, there is always drama, but like Jerry said last weekend, God allows these things in our lives so that He can bless us. Boy does He ever. I just hope that the footprints I leave for them will be one's that they can follow home no matter where they are.....

Just Amazing

2006-05-09T10:30:00.000-07:00

I just have to get this out or Im going to bust!! This weekend was absolutely amazing. I believe we witnessed just a little bit of heaven. My whole family had eagerly anticipated this day. No, we werent in the wedding but we love these people like they are our family. Knowing this bunch like I do I had high hopes of what was to happen. I was overwhelmed as were my girls, not suprised at the beauty but overwhelmed. I never knew a wedding could be such a time of worship as this one was. These two people loved the Lord with all of their hearts and He was totally the center of this joyous occasion. He was there. In all of His glory...I could just feel His very presence. He was honored in all that happened. Even the reception was so joyous. It made a smile appear on your face and mine still hasnt gone away. My daughters even cried along with me at the wedding. It was so touching. This wonderful testament of these two lives even spilled over into our worship on Sunday. Jerry used the white roses that signified the purity John and Sha brought to each other in his sermon. About chosing moral and sexual purity in our lives. About giving up bitterness so that the Lord could bless us. My daughters stayed home Sunday. Im so mad I let them. But they all needed to hear that message....I know I did. I know my oldest harbors alot of shame in her decision not to wait....but God gave her the gift of a beautiful son. Just like He gave us the gift of His beautiful Son. My heart breaks for her but she needed to hear that she can still claim a pure life....Im buying the cd!!!!! My life isnt perfect at all. Mike and I both waited for marriage....but our life hasnt always been great, but thats the past, I drew a line in the sand Sunday to give up my anger and bitterness about how life has turned out and Im choosing to believe that God is using all of this for His glory and helping me to be the person He created. All of this because two people chose to use their wedding ceremony as a chance to touch lives....they did it....How awsome is God....He loves us so much, we dont deserve it yet He loves us more than anything. Im glad we all got to be part of this special day. At a wedding normally the guests bring gifts....leave it to these two to give such a precious gift to all of us.....

Calling Charlie Brown...I have your dog!!!!

2006-05-03T17:52:00.000-07:00

Ok, I love dogs...I just do. For years weve had two. A golden retriever named Bear and a shizu named Dallas. Last Thanksgiving we had to put Dallas down and Bear has been so lonely. We decided to get him a friend. We took a trip to Palmyra and came home with this sweet little girl. She is a beagle...her name is Fannie Mae. Well she has been a real treat. She is so sweet, a bit needy but sweet. She still has a long way to go on the housebreaking but never the less she is ours. Well, over the last few weeks she has been getting out of the back yard and I have plugged every known whole and still she gets out. Well, when I got home today my middle daughter Chrissy said "Mom, know how your dog is getting out?""No was my response." "She is climbing the fence..." Can you believe it.No she cant go through the holes she has to climb. I just keep remembering little Charlie Brown and his infamous beagle Snoopy. Am I in for the same ride? Going out into the pumpkin patch on Halloween and she is dancing in the moon light?? Yikes!!!!Who knew?? Well heres to climbing dogs and tall fences and hoping she doesnt get run over. If I catch her sitting on top of the dog house fighting the Red Baron Im checking myself into Blessing on the psych ward....It will be over for me.ha ha.
Looking so forward to this wonderful weekend. I have had the great honor of knowing this wonderful couple and being able to watch their love grow into maturity. They have to have the sweetest hearts Ive ever known. Saturday they will begin a life together...who awsome is that. God has been in the center of this since she was a young girl because she knew from day one her heart belonged to him. She never gave it away to anyone else. It has always been his and on Saturday their two hearts will become one beautiful life. Knowing both sets of parents these two come from wonderful loving families. Ive been blessed to call her Mom friend and "sister". Ive loved her Aunt for years and called her friend and sister too. How blessed am I? These are two very special women and knowing how full their hearts are this week just touches me. Their are two special people who wont physically be at this wedding but I know their spirits are just leaning over the walls of heaven to watch and be part and I know that has to give them some sort of peace. So as I am excited to be a part of this I am praying for the Lord to bless them and their families. This is just the beginning where a beautiful love story turns another page to begin a new chapter. May the Lord bless and keep them.....

Things they are a changin'

2006-04-25T05:56:00.000-07:00

I got into the fitness industry over 3 years ago out of my own passion and seeing what exercise can do for you. Not just exercise but just being healthier and taking care of this temple weve been given. I have loved this job so much and have been so thankful that I get to do something I loved. I have noticed over the last year or so that there is more I felt that I should be doing with this. Working as a trainer has allowed me to work with people on their physical being. Talking and sharing with them how important it is to give yourself permission to take the time to exercise. Alot of people feel they just cant make time or that other things are more important than they are. I wholeheartedly believe other people come before ourselves, but if we dont take care of us we wont be here to help others, get my drift?? :o) I have watched people change their lives and become empowered and alive. It just makes my heart overflow. But, and isnt there always, I have felt there is more that is needed. Not just the physical that needs to be tended but the whole person. I had a dream in high school of being in the field of psychology. I even took my first two years at college to do this but I got my Mrs. degree instead and didnt finish but have always felt this in my gut. And being a personal trainer is kind of like being a bartender..you hear everyone's problems whether you want to or not. But I love listening and just being there. The person I work for and with is venturing into some new territory in her business. I cant go into details yet but it was huge and she wants me to go along with her. I am touched so deeply by this..and at the same time scared, nervous...you get the drift. She has been working as a wellness coach for a little while now and this has totally intrigued me. I went to Chicago last Thursday with her to hear the CEO of Wellness Coaches. I was inspired and felt like what I had been thinking was right on the money. I want to help the whole person not just their outside and well coaching does that. This is an expensive certification to get but it is very intense. I am hoping and praying to begin this endevor of training in September. I will be 40 in September....WOW!! what a way to celebrate than to take the next step in my career. There are other things that will be starting this summer with my job, Lord willing and could be the beginning of a whole new phase. Yes, Im worried a little. Mike is very nervous when it comes to change. He doesnt do very well with it and would just like for me to go back to a 9-5 job. There isnt anything wrong with that kind of work its just that I could never go back. I have touched just a little piece of heaven with what I get to do and wouldnt want to go back. Im just praying that I can have the courage and the smarts to pay attention and make good sound decisions and know where it is Im supposed to go. Anyway it goes there are going to be changes it just depends on which side of the door I end up on. I believe that Wellcoaching is definately where Im headed. I feel sound with that. Its the other things that are in the making that Im guardedly excited about...so we will see what happens. Who would have thought 6 years ago if anyone saw me that in 2006 I would be doing what Im doing....God did. Im so grateful He believed in me enough....

Are you sure?????

2006-04-11T06:01:00.000-07:00

I wasnt going to blog about this because I just wasnt sure I wanted it out there but there is something about seeing it in front of you that makes it....shall we say not so scary. I have really been over the last few days re-examining my life, where Im going, what Im doing with it, do I like what I see kind of thing. I keep thinking of the scripture where Paul talks about I do what I desperately dont want to do and dont do what I so desperately want to....Jerry brought this up in our sermon on Sunday and I just reminded me what I was pondering all week. I think God was trying to tell me something?? Anyway, I have found myself delving back into the pages of a book I didnt get to finish...but was learning so much from..."When godly people do ungodly things" by Beth Moore. I just found too many other things to be busy with other than finishing this great book. But now Im back into it and finding things I missed the first time around and really paying attention. Im committed to finishing it :o) It has been really great in showing me why we as children of the Living God do some really stupid things. Hey, Im the queen of stupid right here....I even have the crown to go with it.:o) I just keep going back to what Paul said and realize we arent perfect. Thats why Jesus had to come and "get"us. Paul realized his own short comings and even though he detested when he did them he still wasnt perfect. And look what he did for the kingdom. Im learning that through this book the best we can try to do is live a blameless life before the Lord. That means trying to come out from under willful sin. Wow!!! sin we willfully do....been there done that. We always have an out and we should be running for that exit...but sometimes we are seduced by the evil one to stay. Yes, I said seduced...that's what the focus of this book is about....the seduction of the saints who are totally in love with God wholeheartedly but they are seduced into a time of darkness. But never fear there is always hope. If we have a Godly heart we wont stay there forever....God will use that time to allow us to be sifted and get rid of something in our lives perhaps we didnt even realize was there until we come out on the other side....WOW!!! How Awsome is He!!!!!! The reason I share this is because somethings have been happening in my life lately....opportunities that are coming open to me and I just am scared to death. I havent lead a great life...I have fallen into seasons of darkness and have let myself be seduced but I also know that I am forgiven and doing my best to stay on that path....never the less the opportunities are coming and I dont feel worthy. Now I know in my heart this is satan trying to drag back up the grime of my life, but I just keep claiming the blood of Jesus over it and remind him..."hey dude, you lose in the end so back off, I belong to the King" I have been asked to speak at a ladies luncheon in May. I am so humbled by this. Im not afraid of public speaking, I rather enjoy it but at the same time my life is nothing to boast about. I know God will use me however He sees fit and if He feels its time for me to trust Him about this...I will.
God is so awsome. Everyday I see things He is doing in my life. I still have alot to work on but if He feels I can add something to the kingdom this way....I guess Im gonna jump in head first :o) Please cover me in prayer about this. I want them to only hear what God has for them. Im not perfect. Im farthest from it but I am an example of Gods grace and mercy and I cling to that everyday. I know for those who are in the ministry the high standard that is set on them...its on all of us really, but God has put alot of responsibility on their lives and I am amazed by those I know...I know its not easy...I dont take this lightly. I know its only 15 minutes, but I pray God will be able to use this scarred up little daughter of His. So when you are praying just if I may humbly ask, pray for His words and His message to come through. This is going to be a long month of preparation and trusting Him. Like the song says..."Jesus take the wheel.." Im letting Him drive now....it will be so cool to see where we go.

I can see clearly now....the rain is gone....

2006-04-10T11:36:00.000-07:00

I really love that song. Do you remember it? "I can see clearly now the rain is gone...I can see all the obsticles in my way..." I kind of feel like that today. Its a great feeling. The warm sunshine and the fact its Easter week just makes me overflow with joy :o) Last week I just felt used and very sad and upset with myself. I just wasnt sure what I thought I was doing. But after one evening I decided that no longer was I going to let myself get put in that position again. I know God has a plan for my life and its time that I start openining myself up to whatever that is and remove all of the obsticles that are keeping me from that. The evil one has been prowling around my door long enough. He knows Im weak and he loves to drag up old dead carcasses of my past to put me in my place, but no more. I got to watch "Narnia" for the first time Tuesday nite and I was just filled with a power. I cant explain it. As the week had gone on I let myself be drug back down...but let me tell you by the end of the weekend Im ready to take on that ole'serpant head first. God really moved through our worship service yesterday. You could feel His very spirit filling the place....I just cant put it into words. I felt a peace and joy I havent felt in a while and felt the past just slip away. I felt joy for my present and excitement for my future. I just let it go. How great is our God!!!!! He is so good. He blessed us with some joy in our home...Nikki passed her GED!!! She has her certificate. Im so proud of her for finishing where most would have just quit. Its been a long road and there is more road to travel but we are grateful for the celebrations. I am anticipating a great week. How can it not be....the very Creator of the universe sent His Son to die for me and resurrected Him so we could all be together in glory. I am looking forward to going to see my old choir do a Good Friday service. We arent having service at our church so Im glad I have somewhere to go to observe this day.
Today would have been my Mom's 62 birthday....Happy Birthday Mom :o)
I hope you all are blessed in this week. Take a few moment, not that you dont everyday, and just look up and remember what He did for all of us. May we never take it for granted....Blessings my friends.talk with you soon....:o)

This N That

2006-04-05T12:32:00.002-07:00

Its been a little while...but its been crazy. Things havent been going so well as of late with Nikki being back. She has reverted back to alot of what she was doing before she moved out and our home is a never ending storm again. It just makes my heart sick to love someone so much and still have to watch them make everyone's life hell. She has been talked to, talked at, and finally a yell down the other nite and nothing seems to wave her. I just dont know what to do. She has threatened to leave again and Im torn. I know she needs her own place and would feel fine letting her go there now but she can financially yet so she would go back to her boyfriends family's house. She would rather be treated badly by them than try to change and help out here. I just dont get it. The other girls are tired and fed up. And quite honestly so am I. Im not sleeping well, and am down way too much. I know that an answer will come Im just not sure what the right one is or if there is one. All I know that there is not much joy in "Mudville" right now.
I have a friend who has been keeping the baby for us from time to time and I have to say it has been so nice reconnecting with her. Ive missed her friendship and look forward to spending more time with her.
Ran in the Bridge the Gap on Saturday and it felt great. No, I didnt win anything but I crossed the finish line right at an hour and did pass a couple of people..:o) felt great.
Am looking forward to Easter. I love this time of year. My brother and sister came over Sunday for my Gma's birthday party and its the first time in a long time weve been together and it felt to good. We are going to my bros for Easter over in New London. He bought a wopper. Im excited about seeing it.
Well, Ive bored you all enough...time to go back to work...take care....keep plugging.

March 21

2006-03-21T11:29:00.000-08:00

For most of you today will be remembered because of the snow that we were blessed with...isnt it beautiful!! Yes yesterday was the first day of spring and today is the first full day of spring but I just think this little gift we were given was to remind us that someone greater than us is still in control and He will decide when winter is over and the snow will finally tuck itself away for its long nap and let the warm gentle breezes of spring and summer take over the earth. I just love that....He will decide when it all happens. Now mind you I am so ready for cold whether to be gone but I loved the blanket of white that is on the ground this morning. Remember last weekend it was tornados and thunderstorms and alot of rain and mud..how dirty everything got...well now this white blanket is a reminder to me of being clean and fresh again. Crisp,cool white snow that now covers what was a little muddy. Kind of what like God does in our lives when we ask Him to cover us with His grace and mercy...He no longer sees the mud and grime of our yesterday....He sees the pureness of the repentant heart...how wonderful. :o)
The real reason I will remember this date is because on March 21,1999 I lost someone I loved completely and when she died I couldnt breathe. I still have trouble on this day. My Mom passed away on this day. Now, in the past few years the pain does subside a little and memories bring those smiles and not as many tears and I am grateful that time does heal wounds. It really does. Over the last 7 years I have walked around in a fog most of the time and I have felt over the last few I am finally coming out of it. I doubt I will ever not hurt but I feel like there was a purpose for all of this and I dont feel so hopeless. I deal with the memory of that day and on some more than others I hurts more. I miss her laugh,her nutiness that she had. Her sense of humor was unbelievable...she just had a way. She was the most unselfish person I ever knew. She would go without so her 5 children could have. My dad was of no use to anyone. She did it on her own. She would sit outside of our school and wait for which ever one of us had a function or meeting or dance and wait to take us home. She would sew her quilts and sit in that cold truck without ever complaining. She never complained or felt sorry for herself. She just did what she had to do and tried to have a smile while she did it. She deserved the best of what life had but ended up with making the best of what she got. She was the center of our universe. She gave so much and the worst thing is I dont think I ever got to thank her. Im trying to live my life by what she taught me but have fallen so incredibly short. She was so strong when I was weak. I really miss her. When going through all of this turmoil with Nikki I have really missed her guidance. I desperately wish she was here to talk to and to laugh with. I know she would have loved this little man that runs around my house so hugely. Just like she loved all of us. Though, she never spoke those words she lived them. I know it wasnt easy. She lived through hell for us 5 kids. But we have made it. I wouldnt wish her back because she deserves peace and truly hope that is what she has. I dont know where her heart was with God. I know she never forgave herself for what happened in her past but I know God did and I believe He loved her right on home to Heaven....I believe that. She wasnt perfect but she was and always will be my MOM....
Mom,
I love you and I miss you so much it hurts. I wish I could tell you how much I love you in person but I guess that will have to wait until that great day when you are standing at the very gates of heaven with your arms wide open for me...and Mom, I will be looking forward to that talk and cup of coffee......
again, I love you. Thanks for all you did for me, I never got to say that to you but I know somehow....you know just like you always have....

In His Time...

2006-03-02T05:51:00.000-08:00

I have said in my last few posts that all of this storm would calm and sort out in His time not mine and I had to surrender to that lay it down and go forward with life. Well, we did that. We have made the best out of a really upsetting situation and at the same time stood by what we have said. Lets just say I never need to watch a soap opera because my life has enough drama to last me a life time. There have been alot of ups and downs over the last 6 weeks with Nikki and her decision to move out. It has been heartbreaking and just very sad. I miss my baby not being in the nest. Yes, I know she is almost old enough to be on her own anyway but I just didnt feel like she was quite ready yet. But I let go of the worry and put it in the hands of our loving Father and just trusted. Well, Tuesday I took Brenden to my Grandmas to play and we ended up on a car ride to Hull to do her banking...exciting little town Hull..ha ha, anyway then we ended up in Payson at my Mom and Grandpas graves. We then dropped off B' as we have come to call him, with his Momma and something was up. She was upset a little but still dropped some great news that she got a job. She was apprehensively happy about it and I just knew something was up but hugged her and left. On my way home after leaving my Gma I got a call from a crying little girl who wanted to come home. She had enough. I said of course the door is always open, this is your home but things wont be the same as they were. She packed up and came home. That nite we sat with her and explained what we expected of her, how things couldnt be the way they were before they left. We had all been through enough hell and it was time to move on and heal and make life better for everyone. She agreed. We had her sign a contract with us and told her she has a 30 day trial. I know that sounds off but we have 2 other girls to think about. She was ok with that. We all agreed to put the past in the past and start fresh. We are looking forward to October for her. Thats when she has set a date to get an apartment on her own. She will turn 18. This will give us time to learn to cook, clean, laundry all of those wonderful things together. I know we just started but Im looking forward to what all of this will look like in the end. I know there will be slip up and set backs but we will just learn and go forward. We all have changes we are making to make this work out better. At least I know she is safe and our little B' is being watched over. The prospects of the future seem better now. The other girls seem to be ok for now and have promised to talk with us if there are any problems...so at least the right foot is on the path.

It just feels good having her home and being in the saftey of her family who has done nothing but pray for her. Im hoping to get her to church. Thats my goal...again in His time. I would love for her to come to MUMS at church with me in April. I am speaking with that group and its all young moms so who knows. I am proud of my little broad. I know that this is tough on all of us...but especially the other girls. They are doing their best and trying their hardest and I know one way or another they will see the rewards of their efforts. Even if it doesnt work out they can have peace in knowing they tried their best. So, in His time things have come to this point and in His time things will go where they are supposed to and I have a peace in knowing Im not in charge. Im just along for the ride and I hope He will let me play with the radio from time to time........Hey its almost spring....did ya smell it yesterday....yahoo!!!!!!!!!!!!! A time for new beginnings....arent we glad.

Hangin In

2006-02-21T05:37:00.000-08:00

I hate putting a title on these things because my mind wanders in too many directions to put one title on it...why does this stress me? lol

This last Sunday was our one year anniversary at our new church home. It was one year ago that we walked in the door. I remember that sunday very vividly in my mind. I was so sick to my stomach. I had spent the last 10 years at a wonderful church home that I still love and will always remember fondly. I followed my family to this new adventure. Granted it had been set in motion by hurt, my own pride and somone else's comments (which now Im grateful for) but never the less it was put on my heart by God. He knew what I needed was to disappear in Him. I was too visable where I was. I just wasnt sure. I love it where I was, I was comfortable in my little box. But you know how God works, we have to get out of our boxes and our comfort zones so we can put more trust in Him. Well, it worked. I remember that first sermon so vividly. I still draw from it today. How God will only wait so long for us to come home to Him then He will come get us. He will tear down everything that isnt built on Him and cause us to focus on Him so He can rebuild it as He sees fit. I am so very glad He saw me and He came and got me. Yes it hurt so badly but I know today He saw what was going to happen today and put me in a place where I would run to Him and not to others. I firmly believe that I would not be able to be getting through what is going on right now in my life if I wasnt where I am. Grounded firmly in Him. I know that He is in control of it all and it all will work out for His good. I refuse to let all of this eat at me. Yes, I could wallow in it and probably had this happened a year ago I would be but today, now, I am firmly at peace in Him and what His promises are. I have been ministered to through the mesages He has laid on the hearts of His servants. This very Sunday the sermon was from the 23Psalm and "Greener pastures and how he makes us to lie down in them." The story started about a girl who didnt like the rules her father was putting on her. She didnt like the will of her father ruling her life so....she left. Hmmm....sounds too familiar....do these guys stand outside my front door :o) The whole message reminded me of what God had already put in my heart. In His time He will work on her heart so much she will come home. She will come to see who He really is and that He still loves her right where she is, not who she will become but right now. The seeds have been planted. No it may not be tomorrow or next week or next year but it will happen. Shoot, already I can see things are working on her. She came home Sunday because she didnt have some basic needs and I can see the worry on her face. Yes, it kills me and make me stop breathing for a while but I have faith. She was here for a little while last nite and ate supper with the girls and Mike. I was at work and missed it but never the less she is reaching, searching. I invited her to come to church with us Sunday then come home for a real Sunday meal. Pray she will do both :o) God is just so awsome isnt He!!!!!

We are having a worship conference this weekend at church and I am so excited to see what God has for us. Im sure we will learn alot and God will take us to the place He wants us not where we want and Im looking forward to see where that is and what it will all look like. He is moving in this body and I wonder how this ministry I am becoming a part of will be able to enhance what is already exploding in the spirit. I look at worship ministry as the acssecory to what is already going on. I love watching people who are worshiping with me in the service. Their faces speak a thousand words. My good friend asked me at work yesterday what our worship was like. Someone had told her that they didnt like it because it was too much of a show. Now granted this person comes from a faith family that does things a little differently and that is great but to judge that it is a show is not fair. I have been involved with two faith families that love the Lord with all of their hearts and it isnt a show. This group of people that I am sharing this ministry with are the most humble people I have ever met and they truly love the Lord very deeply. No, it isnt a show. I hope we get the chance to show whoever this was that this is true heart-felt worship and it can be done in a closet with just you and God and it can be done in a big building with lites, music and lots of voices and it is the same just different places. Im hoping that through this seminar we will learn to bring what people see on Sat/Sun can be done in their own "closets"everyday not just up front with instruments and mics. Our whole lives should be worship...Im still working on that. But anyhow this is what Im hoping to learn.
God has been busy with me. Yes it hurts sometimes but in the end the peace it brings is worth it all. I just keep repeating that. Will you just keep reminding me of that?? blessings to you all. Spring is only 27 days away I am so ready :o)

Thankful

2006-02-14T05:42:00.000-08:00

Being ill really makes you sit down and take time to look at things. Geese, I havent been this sick in a really long time and now I remember how much I hate being sick!!What I thought was the flu turned out to be full blown bronchitis. The er doc told me and I quote " I do hear a spot in your left lung that sounds iffy, but I still think the big culprit is the bronchitis." No chest xrays just a giant antibiotic and some other wonderful pills and off I went. I was down the entire week. Anyone that is used to seeing me out walking or running probably thought I had given up on my fitness quest. I am not a good patient. I hate being sick and I have no patience for it. Plus being up all nite coughing etc and not sleeping gets me a bit lets say grouchy. Last Tuesday nite I was up sleeping on the couch, broke my own rule, and at 4:30 or so looked out the window and it was snowing . It was really pretty and I actually started feeling a little better. Finally made it back to work on Thursday and Friday but had a major set back Fri nite and was down again Saturday. But Sunday morning I was "resurrected". Felt back to normal, no comment from my friends who really know me about the normal. Other than a hanging cough Im back to being onry. Thank the Lord. :o)
Had our littel man for 2 count em 2 nites. We had so much fun. He is getting to be quite the little man. His momma is still very angry with us and doesnt spend much time in conversation with us but Im holding out hope. I am covering her with love as much as I can, thanks Angie :o) I believe at some point she will come to see where her life will end up if she keeps this life I just know she will. It will be in Gods time, not mine...yes I can say that now.I refuse to dwell on the negative with this anymore. Too much heartache. Now I know how the Lord feels when I, one of His beloved stray from the path He has for me. The hurt and disappointment, but still loving me unconditionally. This has really made me aware and perhaps this is just one of the reasons this is all going on. I can still praise in the times of hurt and you know it does make you feel so much better :o) trust me. Im focusing on what good will come from this. I have had more time with Chrissy and Morgan. Boy, they have needed this break. Chrissy is driving and that is a whole different set of nerves....yuck. She is doing well, so pray for her....I call her Miss Daisy..."Driving Miss Daisy"..she drives like an old woman. She got all excited cause she got the car up to 20 mph and was just sure she has my need for speed. Too funny :o) Morgan is changing into quite the young woman. She is 13 and doesnt have any interest on growing up but Im seeing the budding of her girly ways. We fixed her up to go to school in pink today and did her hair. Something she wouldnt have cared about, so things are "evolving".
Yes, today in Valentine's Day. Im not big on it because I think you should tell the ones you love that you love them everyday and they should be made to feel special everyday, but its still fun. :o) I got a dozen roses on Sunday because Brenden was here so we decided to do it then. He got a huge stuffed teaddy bear that he drug around all afternoon saying "bearw". The girls got a rose and Rebecca St James and Barlow Girl tickets....cant wait to go :o) Not sure what Im doing for Mike yet...not that I can tell put here anyway :o) I know Im bad. I hope you all have a great day. Tell the ones you love how special they are to you. You never know what each hour will bring. And maybe take a moment today and remember how loved we all are by the very Creator of the Universe. He fashioned your heart to love and loving Him totally is all He has asked of us. Perhaps that is why He fashioned our hearts in the center of our chest(go with me here :o)) Because our love for Him should be the very center of our existence. Just something to think about.:o)
So to all of my friends, I love you. You are my family and I wouldnt make it through without you. You are so special to me and I pray for God's love to fill you today with a wonderful peace.....hugs and kisses ;O)

It still hurts...

2006-02-06T05:55:00.000-08:00

Yes, its Monday & Im supposed to be at work...I love my job..would rather be there most days than any place else but unfortunately I couldnt run fast enough to stay away from the dreaded "bug". Knocked me on my butt good. Fever, chest congestion...well you get the picture. Could be from the stress as of late :o)

This week went by slowly. Its been so quiet almost like there has been a death in the family. I guess there has been in a sort of way. Our family as we knew it has died. Its just so unreal. She came home for a little bit Tuesday to pick up more stuff and I got to see my Squishy. He didnt look any worse for wear but still it hurt. He ran around the house and we played and ate cookies then it was time to leave. It hurt so badly all over again. Nikki asked if we would like to have him spend the nite Saturday nite and go to church with us....DUH!!! I had something to look forward to. I know this little guy isnt mine. That has been in my head all along but I wish someone would tell my heart. My daughter is one of the lights of my life but these decisions she is making are hers and hers alone. Not his. Somewhere during the week I found a little bit of peice from wonderful words of advice from loved ones that mean so much to me. And I have found peace in the knowledge that God is in control. No, this may not be His way but in the end He will take care of it all and He will keep both my babies safe. So all I can do is let go and let Him have it because if I keep it I may never be able to relax. Mike keeps reminding me that sin causes hurt to more than just the person involved and we need to remember that it is sin that is doing this not just Nik. I understand and believe me in the last week I have come to examine alot in my own life that might be causing some of this. I have my own cross to bear and its time to choose to be the child I claim to be and not just superficialy. Oh, I feel closer to God than I ever have but just like everyone else I hang on to parts that need to be delt with. So Im dealing with them.

Saturday came and Nikki dropped him off around noon. But she just doesnt want to be around us so she left right away. That really hurts. I just dont understand why she would feel she cant just visit and chat but she is harboring I believe alot of anger towards us for not excepting Chris. WE have tried but enough of that already. I need to pray for grace where he is concerned. Right now Im holding things in my heart toward him that arent right. Father just work on my heart and show me. WE had a great couple of days with him. That little guy is non stop. He did sleep alot. I just wonder if maybe he just isnt comfortable enough yet in his new surroundings to get rest. I bought him some new pj's and new shoes that lite up. You would have thought I had given him magic. He wouldnt let me take those little shoes off of him....he loved them :o) He slept with me and we cuddled all nite. He and his papaw played all evening Saturday. But it came time for him to go home yesterday and my heart broke again. He didnt seem to want to go but perhaps Im reading too much into that. Then the call came.....Mike had just walked in the door and she called. One of my greatest fears as a mother when your children arent in your care is that are they ok. She wasnt. These people she entrusted herself and Brenden to had left town with no food in the house. Thats right you heard me. Its not the first time. They have done this before with their own children. Now, there boys are older and they knew Nik and Brenden where there and they left with just a half a gallon of milk. She was crying. Part of me just wanted to say you chose this now deal with it. Is this the life you want?? I am sick and already very emotional but I just bawled. Mike said we would call her back later. We talked. He stands firm that she needs to realize the choices she is making has consequences and needs to think things through. My part agrees but as a Mom I dont want her hungry and definately not Brenden. We agreed that we would buy food for the baby but they,she and Chris would have to fend for themselves. I called her back and explained what we would do then I had to ask why didnt you just let us keep him overnite until you got this worked out?? Answer...I dont know. Mike went to the store and he got the groceries. Yes, he got enough for all of them as I assumed he would. Hes just got that soft heart. He just got the basics. We explained when she came back that we would not do this again. She needs to think things through a little more. She was grateful and left. Where will all of this lead? Will she figure this out? Will Brenden not have any ill effects from all of this? I have faith that the Lord will watch over them but its still very hard. Im a little more at ease because I know there is food in the house but part of me wants to confront these people....but I know I would forget who I belong to. So I will wait for Saturday when my Squishy comes back to spend the nite and he will be cared for and warm and fed. I just hope all of this comes out ok soon. I dont know how much more my little heart will take....please keep them in your prayers. Pray for Gods will. For God to open her eyes....but just pray for their saftey.

It wasnt supposed to happen this way....

2006-01-31T04:59:00.000-08:00

It wasnt supposed to happen this way....it just wasnt. This isnt what we had intended. I know this isnt the way God had it planned. She just packed up and left in anger and frustration. She's just gone. She didnt like the rules we put on her. We just wanted "him" to be responsible for that little baby he helped bring in this world. She couldnt see that. She thought we were being unfair. We just wanted what was best for her. Her daddy wouldnt budge. No college until "he" began helping financially so she could work part time. Thats all we asked. No way was she waiting. Part of me understands. She wanted to go to cosmetology school to make a life for herself and her little one and save for nursing school. I understand, but she didnt understand why we were asking this. Now, shes gone..my little girl is gone and so is my lil Squishy...now what do I do. My heart is broken and it wont ever be fixed. Im so scared she is going to get hurt...these people dont give a damn they just see her as a meal ticket...how do I make her see.This little life that she has taken with her doesnt have a choice. Will he be taken care of or will he be left in a crib to cry all day? Will he get so many kisses he tries to run away, will he be hugged until his little head almost pops off? I dont know I just dont know and Im scared to death. Where is my Mom? I need to talk to her.I need her to tell me what to do...Im lost, broken hearted and just dont know where to go from here.... I didnt know I had this many tears left in me. I just cant seem to pull it together. I know she needs to see the grass isnt greener, but how much damage will be done in that time period. She is bull headed just like her mom and I know she would rather be right than wrong. What next, now what, what do I do....where did I go wrong.

Bubl'e

2006-01-24T06:01:00.000-08:00

Weird looking word but is the last name of a new to me artist...Michael Bubl'e...wonderful cd called "it's time". I heard the song "Home" on the radio several times and loved the velvety smoothness of his voice...is an excellent cd if anyone would care to sample it. Wonderful big band jazzy cd. Im looking forward to purchasing more of this young man's work. Face it, alot of todays music is just confusing and perverted, this is timeless music everyone can listen to. Hope you check it out..:o) Its just the kind of music that makes you smile....

Addiction

2006-01-24T05:47:00.000-08:00

Yes, Its true I have one. Its small. Isnt expensive and most importantly its not illegal!! But never the less if I dont get my daily fix.....ITS DOWN RIGHT UGLY!!!
Now mind you I have tried several times over the last months to kick this habit. It not all that good for you but I have not succeeded. I concede it has its evil hold on me and I just dont know when I will be able to give it up.....never the less, it happened. I ran out of my life blood and was caught in a perplexing perdicament(i know this is spelled wrong just go with me) I had a bad weekend at work and really wasnt wanting to be there yesterday anyway and especially without my "fix" but I headed out trying to remain positive. I knew I was going to train a few people that day that were trying enough when I was on a good role but I didnt know how it would go without. I was crabby, short and not very pleasant. Hey but I tried ok give me some credit :o) Monday's are my long day anyway about 13 hours straight. I did end up with a little more of a break than anticipated but still no fix...I got a call from Mike stating he would pick up my wonderful little pick me up so I would have it in the morning....Well right before I left to go home mind you its 7:10pm and I have been at work since 7:00am he told me he forgot it and if I had money go ahead and get my "fix". I had no money I was so broke I couldnt even pay attention. So I headed home wondering what I was going to do in the morning. Its my day off and I enjoy it so much..what was I going to do. I was certainly too tired to go out...I guess I would just have to wait until I got up and got going and get out and do it myself. Now, I know it doesnt sound like much but I like to hibernate on my days off and just be I really didnt want to get out and now I find out I have to take my Gma to the dr later in the afternoon...now I know I have to get a fix 'cause I cant handle my crankiness with hers. I went to bed early just because I was tired. I wanted to sleep in bit there was a little man standing outside my bedroom door this morning at 6:30 knocking and saying mama...so I got up. Do you know what I found....MY FIX SITTING ON THE COUNTER WAITING FOR ME!!! Unknown to me my husband went out late last nite and did that for me. Wasnt that nice :o) I think he knew that if he didnt it just wouldnt be...lets say pleasant!! Still it was so nice....So I sit here this morning content with the world and all is right because of my little addiction need has been met........who knew that coffee was the difference between war and peace on earth...who would have ever guessed....God bless Juan Valdez(:o) can I get an amen from my fellow addicts!!!

A Season of Firsts

2006-01-17T05:54:00.000-08:00

We all know how firsts are....the first time you recognize the opposite sex, the first time you hold hands with that special someone, the first kiss, the first child, their first steps, you get the idea...its just unknown territory and you arent sure how it will go but with great anticipation you just let it play out. This entire last year was a year of firsts so I feel like Im a pro but yesterday was a reminder...IM not!
It was small things I realize...Nikki started her first full-time job. She is hoping this job will help her to save up some money for college and help her as she embarks on a life of her own here in the next month. It comes with a good rate of pay and good benefits. Her dreams of becoming a nurse are still with her and I hope she will hang tough and find a way to do it. But never the less she is excited and I am guardedly excited for her.:o) Our little man went to daycare yesterday. He has been to private home daycare's before but he was able to get into one of the what I call corporate daycare's that appears to be a good one. Yes its right across the street from where I work and I know he is in great hands, but my mind kept straying across the road wondering what my little man was doing. Was he upset to be somewhere new?(been there done that) was he crying and wanting his Momma? You know, all of the normal thoughts that go through your mind the first couple of days. But I got no call asking me to come get him, that he was unconsolable or upset, thats a good thing.:o) Mike had to end up taking Morgan to the ER by himself. She fell down the steps at her Grandma's house the other day and her ankle was pretty much the size of my head...so after him being so frantic about what to do I gently said..."just take her to the er, that way we will know she is ok. Never mind that I know a little about muscles, and sprains and such...I just shut my mouth. I told him he would be fine. He took her and she does have a bad sprain and needed an air cast...again, all is well. Chrissy got to babysit my boss' kids for the first time, yes that was a little nerve racking! But they lived and Chrissy had a good time...whew!! My first time of just letting go and letting these wonderful people in my life figure it out for themselves without my 2cents worth!! So a bunch of firsts yesterday.

But we lived and arent we glad we have those season of firsts. They remind us that we are alive and well:o) I hope this year has many more. Sometimes the day to day momentum that we live in just gets taken for granted. Its when we have a day of firsts or a day of unexpectedness that we are thankful for the day to day dulldrums. I know I get caught up in the complaining of the boring but I have had years where it has been nothing but unexpectedness and I have longed for the boring. It has taught me to be thankful for what each day brings and what each day doesnt...Isnt there a song that has a line that goes something like" God's greatest gift is unanswered prayers.." I will try to remember that :o)

Misc mumbo jumbo

2006-01-10T07:46:00.000-08:00

I know its January and I realize we have been blessed beyond belief with this weather, thank you Father, but what is going on with the no sun for days on end? Yes we saw it Sunday and it was glorious but now dark, bleek, cold..ok not that bad cold but still cold. I have a little of the seasonal depression disorder and it hits me harder on some days but come on...enough already. I would rather have 15 degrees and some sunshine than 40 with the blah's. Yes, the twice a week visit to the tanning bed does help. Keeps me nice and tan and we all know tanned fat looks much thinner than the screaming white :o) I guess Im just ready for the spring like beginnings and smells. The warm weather Sunday made me wish that February and March were well over. I hate March anyway, sorry for those of you who have special days that month, lost two very important people in my life in that little ugly month. Im ready for April. You know what I mean. Yes, I hate wishing my life away and yes I can enojoy each days blessings,but I guess I just want to be busy outside. Well enough venting about that.:o)
Mondays at my job are busy and I must admit I love it! I work straight through from 7:00am until 7:00pm with a few little small breaks. I like being busy but around 5:30 I begin wondering what was I thinking. But all in all it goes by very quickly and I love what I do. I do miss my family and by the time I get home most of the evening hub bub is done so I miss the family meal but there is always a plate for me which in and of itself brings me comfort. Weird I know, but you know how it goes :o) Im trying to stay focused on each day and what it brings but you know my mind gets to wandering around to that spring thing...I will be patient.
Our little guy starts at a new daycare on Monday the same day his Momma starts a new job. Should be very interesting to see how it all goes. This is a full time job for her and hopefully will give her a little confidence. Still no support from the daddy but we are trying to deal with it as best as we can. Pray for her and the little one. I just hope God will finally open her eyes and her heart and she will finally have the peace that passes all understanding :o) The other two girls are busy with school. Chrissy takes her white slip test next week!! Yikes...where did the time go. Just a word of advice stay out of the ditches..you should be safe on the road :o) she's gonna kill me for that...Morgan is thinking of writing a song for her teacher. She is so creative...it just overwhelms me some times of who she is going to grow to be. It just does my heart proud:o) But you parents know how that is.
I finally feel I am settled into my new worship family. Alot of barriers I thought were there I had set up myself, why do we do that?? Anyway, looks like an exciting time and a growth time and I pray that our faith community can reach those who need to hear the word will hear it and will have a life changing expeirence and if it isnt in our community they will find a faith community where they can connect and come to meet Jesus face to face:o)
Well, not very exciting but its alot for our little bunch.:o) Its the little things that matter isnt it anyway??

Its Finally Here!!!

2006-01-03T09:05:00.000-08:00

Its finally 2006. New year, new start. You can really see it in my profession. In the next few weeks alone my clientel will grow for about 1month or so then it will die off again to those who are making life changes and not just a resolution. Our celebration for the New Year was very quiet. No party, no friends, just our little brod. We watched movies, and even played a few games. I had a stomach ache that had been lingering for days so my dreams of eating forbidden foods kind of went by. Didnt really miss it though :o) When I woke up the next day I really didnt feel any different. No miraculas happenings,no lightning bolt...just another day. However, lingering in the back of my mind is what is going to happen 9months from today actually...I TURN 40!!! How did I get here?? I guess its better than the alternative...but wow!! Will I have to grow up now?? I admit I am a little juvenille ok alot but now do I have to be a stuffy?? I guess we will see how the year unfolds. Im looking forward to it. Im just treasuring the moments to come and am excited for spring already...ok it didnt snow on Christmas and now I dont care if it does...dont get me wrong.. I love snow but the warm whether weve had makes me want the flowers and the fresh green grass between my toes but I will wait because all good things are worth waiting for :o)

Here is to hoping your New year will be full of blessings. Remember its what you make of it that counts. Focus on what you have, not on what you dont and worry about someone else's problems...they make yours seem so small...
luv to you all.

J O Y

2005-12-23T13:23:00.000-08:00

It is such a small word isnt it...Joy. Now in this last year I can say that this isnt a word I have used very much. Everything but that little word. But, yesterday that is the only word that could come to my mind. I felt immesurable joy. After a long spout of being very lonely and lost and usure where I belonged I got an invitation from a very dear long time friend she has really been more family than just friend. Anyway, I walked into her home that is always so warm and loving not to mention beautiful! You can tell there is a lot of love put into that house and a lot of love that goes on in that house. You cant help but feel warm. :o) She greeted me at the door looking absolutly lovely. Beautiful smile on her face(even though it was me at the door hee hee) Hugs were shared and kisses passed. Other wonderful friends were there. One I havent seen for a while and have missed her so much. We chatted, we laughed and shared, and fellowshiped. I was secretly just taking each and everyone of them in...then it hit me....JOY. It was there. I had been given the gift of joy yesterday. It overwhelmed my heart and at times I was welling with tears, but I made sure no one saw. I love each of these ladies so much. Even though we dont see each other often they have made an impact on my life. How blessed I am. I know there is turmoil going on in "her" heart and she isnt sure why or where, she is sure who is in control and find immesurable peace in that. She has been my becon in my times of trouble and I hope to be there for her. Joy, what a little word. Its funny but I didnt really understand why this little word keeps creeping into my life. She gave us a beautiful ornament that had Joy on it, an angel to hang on my tree and remind me of that wonderful afternoon, how could she have known that I had learned a new meaning to that word. Oh, yes it means to be glad etc etc, but did you know it has another meaning....J-Jesus first O-others second Y-yourself last. I learned that this year and for that very reason I will have that ornament up all year to remind me of what is truly important. Yes, Joy was there yesterday, and I will be drawing on that in the months to come when I dont feel so loved or lost. I will look at my angel and be reminded of that day, those faces and those who mean the most.

As you all gather around your tree this year look at those faces, those people who you love so dear, and you can be sure Joy will be there too!!

May our Lord who is great and praised beyond measure touch your heart this season. May He change your heart in those spots that have hardened for whatever reason and soften up to what He has in store for you......
"He came to pay a debt He didnt owe, because we owed a
debt we couldnt pay"

Remember His gift. It will last all eternity. I look forward to spending with you all.
Much love and many blessings,
Ginny

One week and counting.....

2005-12-17T09:50:00.000-08:00

Yep, one week from today will be Christmas eve. How exciting! All of the anticipation of weeks of work and shopping and cooking and it will be here. I have always loved this time of year. And as Ive posted before this year has been very different in sooo many ways. I have been missing the familiar and rejoicing at the new. My friend told me one day while we were running that perhaps I was spending too much time dwelling on what I didnt have this year that I should spend my time focusing on what I do. Bonk!! right in the head where I needed it. So Im focusing on what I do have. My gifts include but are not limited to:
A wonderful family who has put up with so much of my crap over the last year. All of the emotional ups and downs, tears, and anger. They have seen me through alot. Im glad they havent sent me packing yet and Im very glad that when I walk through that door at nite there is a little fellow who squeals with delight like I am the one who hung the moon for him, little does he know I just know he hung the moon. :o)
The ability to identify real friends and take the time to cultivate them and make them deeper than they ever have been.(though I havent done real well with that in the last few weeks, trying to make up for that though :o) Spending time trying to make those friendships last a lifetime. Letting them know how much I love them and need them and cherish them.
Finding a new church home that every Sunday stretches me to be better than the day before or the hour before. That shows me God is most certainly moving and wants me to move right along with Him, so I will get up and move! Not sure where I am needed or called right now but am finally at peace with the fact that God will use me when and where He needs me not where I think He needs me and opening myself up to His will, not my bullheaded will :o)
Relishing in the grace that was given to us all through that tiny gift so long ago. I have to admit something. I was driving home the other nite listening to Vince Gill's latest Christmas cd and he re-did a song that I have only ever heard Nat King Cole do.."Sing Sweet and Low" now that might not be the right title, but the song talks about that still small nite when the world was changed forever. All of a sudden, now mind you I have a vivid imagination, No comment!, I am picturing myself next to that tiny manger seeing that tiny infant. Also, made me think of the song I love "This must be the Place, anyway, I can see the animals in the back, I can almost smell the straw, I hear this little one in the manger making those sweet baby sound, then I picture this little tiny face turning to look at me and make eye contact...as if to say "Ginny, I have longed to see your face and I have come here for you, to save you, to love you." Wow, yes I kept my van on the road, but I had to pull over. I was overwhelmed beyond words, and yes I can talk alot. That instant reminded me of how important I was that God himself would come down after little ole me. Why was I wallowing when I should be rejoicing in all that He has given me. Yes there has been pain, but there has been plenty of laughter to come afterward. Im glad He gave me that moment because it has really helped me refocus on other things.

How can I stay sad and blue when I have all of this. Like I have said before. I will be very glad when 2005 ends. Yes it held wonderful moments, but I will be glad for the new year. I know there will be hard moments here too, but when you start with a fresh year you can make it whatever you want. Just like our life in Christ. Everyday is a clean slate, its what we do with it that moment that counts.

God bless and here's to hoping we can all focus on what we have to look forward to. And taking a moment to go to the manger and look on the face of the One who loves us even when we feel we are unlovable and remembering what He did for us so He could spend eternity with us.

Hey Im still here.....z

2005-12-14T14:20:00.000-08:00

I know its been forever and a day. I have been entangeld in so much stuff over the last month. No more than anyone else I know but Im just now diging my way out.:o)
Went to the mall of America over Thanksgiving. Was wonderful and Im ready to move to Minnesota. I loved it up there. Seriously, if I could I would go tomorrow. While I was gone my friends Dad passed away. This year has just been ruthless with that. I know everything that comes into our lives is sifted through and doesnt come without our Father's permission but sometimes I know He has more faith in us that we do. Lived through Journey to Bethlehem. Had a blast performing with two of my girls acting on stage. The story line was really too close to home for comfort but I know one thing...that story was for me if for no one else. I have been thinking about contacting my Dad. Dont know if he is alive or not but Im going to try. I want to put some things at peace and I probably wouldnt have done this had it not been for the play. I just hope God was honored in what we did. I got to know a few people a little better and they are a great bunch. Missed the musical at my old church. I crashed my van the day before and was so upset at myself I made myself sick...what a dummy. My great uncle had a massive stroke but he is doing better. Will be a long road though.

Have been fighting with myself over several issues. One being that I have completley secluded myself from everyone and everything. Kind of licking my wounds kind of thing but Jerry during Sunday before last nailed me right in the heart and told me that is exactly where Satan wants me....alone in a corner. I know this man has to be standing outside my door some nites. I just felt it better to disappear. dummy, I know better than that. What was I thinking. Threw another pitty part and didnt even send out invitations this time. :o) nuf said about that. Trying to scratch myself back into exsistence. Have missed what friends I have left so very much. But then again, I did lock myself away for a while. Its almost Christmas and am counting my blessings instead of dwelling on what I dont have. I have sooo much to be thankful for. I am looking forward to the new year and new beginnings. Shedding off the old me and putting on a new one. This one is worn out and is such a pain in the behind...time to move onward and upward. Excited to see what God has in store for me and I hope He holds blessings for all of you......love to you all....hope to hear from you during this holiday season. I have missed you all and apologize for having my head in my buttocks....man its dark up there:o) Merry Christmas.....And many blessings in the new year.

Its that time of year.....

2005-11-09T08:48:00.000-08:00

Two weeks until Thanksgiving. Wow...where did the year go. I am not however anticipating this to go very smoothly this year. Alot has changed and perhaps its because of the familiar crispness in the air, the bright moon at nights or just knowing what time of year it is has me longing for alot this day. Im longing to be back a year ago when we were preparing for our Christmas Cantata. It was always so much work but it was so worth it to share the love that was given to us in a tiny manger long ago. We all got so close during that last month of rehersal. We became an even closer family. I mean we had to, we were all together every nite :o) I must admit I loved it!! Im sitting here thinking that my friends are getting ready for their wonderful program and I will be there to cheer them on but my selfishness wants to be there too with them. To stand shoulder to shoulder and lift our voices together and share that message. Man...there is nothing like standing next to some of your friends and listening to God given talent at its finest!! I was so spoiled and blessed and now....I will miss it terribly. There was always such a magic in the air....well, it wasnt magic it was the Spirit moving. Driving home last nite it hit me really hard. It hurt so bad....I guess you can chalk this up to regression...this too shall pass... I hope. I think it is just really hard because Im still adjusting and havent attached somewhere right now...but Im basking in all of those wonderful memories. I will be thinking about it probably until this season passes and realize that I didnt die because I didnt do it and God will be glorified through everything that happens this season....but still, I hurt alot.

I am also longing for my Mom. So much has happened in this last year and I really needed her. This time of year brings up all of those memories that sting even now. They bring more smiles this year than tears, but the tears still come and my heart still breaks everytime I hear Elvis sing "Blue Christmas". I will think about how special she made our house at this time of year. Every inch was covered with lights and tinsel and just plain perty!!! I will try to do as much as I can but she was the best at it.

I am thankful that I have these wonderful memories etched in my heart forever. What do they say, its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at at....well, I truly believe it was better to have these moments in my memory that to have never had these expriences at all. To have never known these people, to have not had the chance to love them like I do is unthinkable in my mind. I cant remember what it was like before I knew them, but on this side of them it is painful to move on without them, but I have my memories and once this stage of grief passes, they will bring more smiles than tears at some point, but for right now, for the next month or so there will be alot of tears. I will still cry when Elvis sings and when I look around to hear my Mom sing with him, when I pull out one of my cantata tapes just to see familiar faces...but when it passes I will smile and be glad that this little girl was blessed enough to have what she has.......
"Oh come let us adore Him...Oh come let us adore Him....Oh come let us adore Him....Christ , the Lord!!"p.s. my favorite is when 3 of my great friends sang a special little song called "This Must be the Place". Oh how I would love to have that on recording.......hint hint(anyone out there??)

Shake it Off......

2005-10-28T09:38:00.000-07:00

I was lying in bed the other nite getting ready to go to sleep after a really long emotional day. I had taken my Grandma to the cancer doctor and had refereed yet another fight between my daughter and her baby's dad. Just alot of emotional junk. With my nose healing but still sore I havent been able to run away alot of this junk so its been hanging around. I have a tendency to carry alot of it around for a long time. Its a gift, I know. Anyway, I was watching the tv and trying to unwind and I stopped on either channel 16 or 60 I cant remember but it was one of the Christian channels and Joel Olsteen was preaching. Now mind you I dont always go in for tv preachers but he immediatly caught my attention. He was talking about shaking it off. I thought ok I will listen. He was preaching about how we carry around all of this "junk" from day to day...week to week....year to year. Let downs, worry, mean things people have done to us, guilt, shame, anger, bitterness, jelousy...well you get the drift. We just dont let things go. In Lammentations it talks about how the Lord's mercies are renewed everyday...that we should be living every day as though it were brand new....because it is. We should arise every morning and "shake off" everything from the day before...blowing the diet(been there, still there :o)) being mad at someone because they cut you off in traffic, mad at your spouse because they were mean to you or just ignored your needs that day, just shake it off and forgive and just tell the Lord you choose to renew and forget all that happened and start anew. Now he "had me at hello' to borrow a pharase from a movie. Now, being a woman I can hold a grudge. Im good at it. I am also great at beating myself up over stupid stuff Ive done in the past. I keep dragging it up feeling hopeless that I will ever change. He was saying we have to except God's forgiveness and His mercies and approach that new day like its brand new...which if you think about it...it really is. The sun comes up and as the day goes on it gets a little warmer...then before you know it its evening and it starts to cool off anything that has gotten heated during the day..then its totally black..no light except the beautiful moon. It is still. It gets even cooler and the smell of the warm hot day changes to clean and fresh in the morning...like it should be for our lives. Why didnt I think of that before. Am I such a creature of habit that I cant look at the new day and start again and let go of that "midday" life from the day before? Yes I can. My new motto every morning after that night has been...Lord, Im chosing to shake the junk from yesterday off and not let it ruin this beautiful new day you have given me....today will be a great day!!! And I will rejoice and be glad in it.!!!
I hope you will join me in shaking it.....shaking it off that is...and look at that new day as a new possiblity of all the things He has meant for us to be. :o) See late nite tv isnt always so bad!!

Im a murderer......

2005-10-23T08:38:00.000-07:00

There, I said it outloud...Im a murderer. I never believed myself to be. That was one commandment I had in the clear. I never murdered anyone. That one was a slider....so I thought. We are going through the 10 Commandments this time around and last nite was "Thou shalt not kill". Easy enough right.....big wrong. Jerry explained that we may have never laid a hand on anyone but what about when we harbor hatred toward someone. He had spoken in an earlier message that what takes place in the head, can move on to the heart and then eventually will be acted out in life. What about those that we hold a grudge against? Well, ok Im following a little, I have people that I am mad at, that I hold a grudge against...but Ive never hurt them. They are still walking the planet. I have to admit that way back in my childhood there is a time that I thought that if someone wasnt alive life would be better....but still havnet killed them....or have I. He spoke elequently about his friend being shot in the face and this friend's wife being murdered by her ex-husband and how now, murder had come to roost on his doorstep. It became personal to him. He then spoke of abortion, capital punishment and euthenasia. All things that are very prevelent in our twisted, messed up world. He gave scripture about capital punishment. He talked about how life is precious and we are all individually created and that from in the womb we are special. He delved even deeper how this is showing us the heart of God. He switched gears into Matthew 5. He went into the verses about where he talks about an eye for an eye that this no longer applies. He talked about turning the other cheek, walking not just one mile but two, and giving not just your coat but your cloak as well. If some one hits you or attacks you, dont retaliate, if somone takes advantage of you, let him. I had my cackles up a little. I can have a temper, no question. He hit on that. That our anger can somtimes take us places we were never meant to go. Look at Christ he was beaten, spit on and ridiculed even unto death...his retaliation.....salvation! Wow! He then talked about how God had to send his son for me. That because of me Christ had to be murdered....because of my sin, because of my stubborness. I am a murderer. Wow...its true. The difference here is that I have accept what Christ has done for me...if He hadnt done it I would be separated from God forever. Now, I need to surrender those thoughts of anger.I need to put my offering down and make ammends with those whom I have hurt....ouch! I thought this was going to be a slider....boy, Lord do you have alot to help me realize...than you for your mercy and grace!!!!!!!!

How does it happen???

2005-10-21T17:16:00.000-07:00

Ok how does a little game of "Im gonna getcha" end up at the emergency room?? Only me....I will share for those of you who might need a little laugh(at my expense mind you :o)

Brenden and I have this new game where he stomps his feet and then I get up and stomp mine and I say "Im gonna getcha" and he takes off like a lightning bolt down the hall..cackling the whole way :o) it is way too much fun. We had a great day yesterday...my daughter, his mommy got a great job at HYVEE...thank you Jesus :o) I know He cares even about those small things. Anyway, I was on one of my breaks before going back to the studio and Brenden stomps his feet and we begin what we thought was going to be a half hour or so of laughing until I almost pee....wrong. He takes off down the hall, me right behind him, he is laughing so hard he cant hardly run...he runs into his aunts room and I swoop down to pick him up and tickle...but unknown to me our golden retreiver has decided he is going to play too...as I swoop down he jumps up and with his concrete head hits me right in the face, more specific, my nose. I hear a crack and a huge surge of pain....tears immediately fill my eyes and I gently call for his mom to come get him because I think I broke my nose. She runs into the room and takes the baby and I fall to the floor. I havent had that kind of pain in years. I ask her to call her dad to come take me to the er. Long story short I thought perhaps just bruised but no....its broke. Now mind you I dont have that big of a nose, its kind of pug like so Im not sure how it got in the way but it will be a reminder to me to keep it close and out of business that isnt mine :o) So I sit here tonite with continued ice to stop swelling cause Im just too vain I guess :o) and pain pills are wonderful...I havent slept this good in years and now I noticed a whistle in my nose when I was falling asleep...not sure what that is...but it could be soo much worse. :o) And yes, we did play "Im gonna getcha today" no trips to the er(ha ha) Today its funny because only me....klutz and all. Mom always called me "grace on wheels" guess she was right. I feel a little like Pinnochio but its not that bad. Just humorous to me :o) My husband thinks its funny and I gently remind him Im on pain pills and no jury in this land would find me guilty of any wrong doings!!!!! hee hee.....

Well so much for my day....hope you all saw the rainbows here last nite... just too gorgeous for words and just a nice reminder that things will always get better...we have a promise in that :o) Well hope you find a little chuckle in this klutz....I never cease to amaze myself at what new and different ways I can hurt myself....who knows, Mike's cat could be planning a huge revolution against me.....if I disappear look for his cat!!! (ha ha) remember the movie "Cats and Dogs"? I sleep with one eye open!!!!

How do I get it all done??

2005-10-18T05:33:00.000-07:00

I always wonder how in the world I manage to get myself into so much tumoil....I guess I must be a magnet.:o) This past Saturday we had the big birthday party for "B". You know you only turn 1 once so we were looking forward to a great day. But as we all know, trouble is off in the corner giggling because of what is about to unfold. Now, on my own accord I have taken a part time job which I am enjoying but am thinking was not a good idea. I had to work at the studio and train from 8-11:30 and then go to my other job from 12-5, the party started at 4:00 do you see the first problem. Ok, nothing to get upset about. My mother in love and my middle daughter volunteered to hold things down until I got there and help prepare the hamburgers and hot dogs. Didnt make me feel any better but I was grateful since my eldest wouldnt move the party to Sunday so I could be more help. I get a phone call from my husband, who was upset saying that all of the shelters at the park are booked so we have to do this at our house...it wasnt as clean as I like so they were working like gang busters to get it clean. He was not a happy camper. Nor was I...I should be there. Next phone call came at 3:45..."Gin, there are 35 people in our house", did I hear that right? Where in the world did they come from...I dont have that many friends and neither does my daughter...Well, the other grandma took it upon herself to invite everyone she knew, and their dog! Now, normally this wouldnt bother me a bit but we were never told to expect this and thus...not enough food. So my mother in love makes a run to the grocery store to buy more. God bless her!! I was furious. I blew my cool. This person who didnt even bring anything or offer to bring anything took it upon herself to invite the entire city of Payson. We just cant do anything the right way, there always has to be some sort of drama :o) Well, I had enough and decided when I got there she was going to hear about it. I felt so bad for Mom, Chrissy, Mike, Morgan that they had to do all of this. This was to be a day of celebration. I pulled in the drive and sure enough,people everywhere. I went inside just fuming. Im usually able to just let things ride...I wasnt going to today. I had every intention of letting her have it...but dog gone it....I thought twice. This was about Brenden and all of these people loved him too. Yes, it was expensive, yes it was an inconvenience but who was hurt...no one. So I pulled my head out of my hindend and got involved in the party. It really was nice to see all of these people having a nice time and enjoying the evening. Brenden sang Happy Birthday to himself along with us....that was just too precious! Then everyone was getting ready to leave and this woman did it again...she gathered all of the presents that her family and friends brought for Brenden and took them home with her. My daughter was upset. I wasnt happy but not suprised. What a way to end a day. I was exhausted. But my Grandma was here and she got to see another generation celebrate a brithday. I could feel my Mom and my Father in love there in spirit. It really was a special day. Brenden will never remember the bad stuff that went on so I guess all is well. And then on Sunday I wasnt planning on going to church, I was going to do my own worshipping but Mike's Mom called and said we had to come. I knew that we were on the commandment Honor thy Father and Mother so why would I need to hear it again I knew what it meant.....Oh, I was sooo wrong. We went, and was I hit in the head. Josh explained that if we parents would show love that the honor would return. Hey, this isnt what this was supposed to be like. The kids are supposed to honor us. He explained that if we will show love and speak love our children will return the honoring. Same thing in our relationship with our FAther, He showed us the most wonderful expression of love and we should return our lives to him with honor. Hmmm....this isnt what I thought. In my house growing up we didnt speak love. We just showed it. My Mom passed away and I truly dont think I ever told her I love her. Major hurt. I tell my kids all of the time. I have no problem with it. Have I ever told my Grandma? Im not sure. I know Ive never told my brothers and sisters. There is no honor in our relationships. We dont have relationships any longer. Could this be why? I will be working on this one for a while. And I almost didnt go.

Any suggestions, here it is Tuesday and I am officially 10 days behind on my Bible study. Do I catch up this week and go back and do last weeks as I have time? How in the world did I get so far behind? Im one who stays on it. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!:O)

Well, enough for now. Im off to the dentist. I havent been there in a long time. I have great teeth but have had horrible experiences and have stayed away. Going to try again today so pray for me. Im a little nervous. Just a cleaning though. I hope!! :o)

365

2005-10-11T06:52:00.000-07:00

It doesnt sound like much does it. Its just a number. But it can be very significant. It is the number of days in a year. Im looking back on this past year because today is a very special day. Our little man turns 1 today. It doesnt sound too bad to those of us who are soo many more numbers than that but alot can happen in just one little year of life....let me share and do some babbling.....

In this past one little year my grandson has learned to babble a little, to hold his own bottle, and sippie cup. He has learned who his mom and dad are. He has learned who his grandparents,aunts and uncles are. He has learned where home is, he has learned that outdoors is his absolute very favorite place to be. He has learned to walk. He has learned that when you close a door and open it back up the person that was standing there when he closed it is most likely still standing there when he opens it back up and it just tickles him to death. :o) He has learned to give kisses. I have watched in awe as this little life looks in wonder at a blade of grass. Who knew it was so interesting? I have been over joyed when he learned to sing a little and has learned to love music. I have been frustrated that he loves to take off his own diaper!! That is so much in such a little life in a short period of time. How amazing it is. What wonder this little life is. And I am amazed at what lies before him.

In this last year in my life I have learned to be a grandma. Ok so it wasnt that hard :o) i have had my first thanksgiving with my grandson and my husband as a grandpa and my girls as aunts and shared in the baby's first snow on the day before Thanksgiving. I have shared in a wonderful Christmas but somewhat bittersweet Christmas eve service where my baby boy played baby Jesus. It was also the last Christmas eve service program for my friend in a church where she spent her whole life. How honored I was she asked me to sing. How I cried inside thinking we would never share another moment like this. I watched as a new year came in. Wondering what would happen to all of us and how we would change. Then I left a wonderful family of friends to move onto another life changing experience at another church. Wondering if I had done the right thing. My family was so ready to go but I wasnt. I have went through a spring of change trying to heal the wounds that come from separation from people and things that I love so much. Watching my daughter celebrate her first mothers day. Watching my husband celebrate Fathers day as a grandpa. Celebrating our 20 wedding anniversary. Stetching myself in new areas and just trusting and believing that it is all for the good. Celebrating so much in such a small window of time but also grieving so much too. Then here we are .....last nite I had to say goodbye to a man that I loved soo much. He was the most awsome example of loving unconditionaly and so quietly. You really never knew how special you were until this man with his giant angel wings came a swooped you up into his arms and gave you a hug and a kiss. He was like that...an angel. He was so tall and his heart was the same. He gave out sweet treats and his kisses where the sweetest of all. He never asked for a thing in return. He unselfishly gave all he could. I hope he knew what he ment to a girl who really never had a father in her life. He adopted me.....he sang to me and asked me to marry him several times. And I have always told him if I were a little older I would have swept him up :o) His heart belonged to a wonderful woman and he was never quite whole once she passed. I guess thats what happens when two people really are one. You just arent ever whole again. But he is now...and they are together and dancing and hugging. I will forever miss you my Poppie, but Im so glad you are in the arms of your best girl and in the arms of your loving Father. Last nite I got to reunite with people I havent seen in 8 months. It was so special all I could do was cry. It was so bittersweet. I hope in the months to come not to let time go by without seeing them...getting together with them. I want our friendships to be more out of love and not just choir...I love them very much and will do my part.

So here it has been 365. Who would have thought this time last year what would go on in my little book of life. God did. He sees the whole picture when I cant and I dont understand. He puts it all together and waits for me to trust. So as I turn this page to a new chapter to a new 365 days....we will see what He has planned and what He can mend in this crazy thing we call life.

GOD ROCKS!!!!!

2005-09-27T09:37:00.000-07:00

He just totally rocks I tell you!!!! Saturday nite we were sitting in the living room watching t.v. I had just got back from singing at a wedding and was just pretty much practicing the vegetable thing. My husband walks in and says to me change clothes we are going to the mall. Why? was my 3 year old question....he answers we are going to get tickets to SHOUTFEST!! Well, I changed and we got the tickets and headed home. I have to tell you I lied to people I guess when they asked me if I was going...sorry, didnt know. Got up Sunday and ran...pitifully I might add. We chose to finish up stuff around the house instead of heading to corporate worship but just wait...I got to anyway. I really was kind of excited. I only knew a few of the groups but hey I love all kinds of music so this should be ok. We arrived about 1:30 and got our spots right up by the stage and speakers...yes I know hearing problems can come from this but oh well :o). We did walk around a little bit just to see who was there. It was like a huge family reunion. Wholly cow, I saw so many people I havent seen in a while...it was great. It was a little like I picture heaven...all of us in the same place just there to focus on Him.

Finally, it was time for the groups to kick in. Boy did they. There wasnt a group who played that I wasnt impressed with. I dont get into the hip hop thing but I did Sunday. A group called Grits and KJ52 showed me there is a cleaner side to this music it was great...I know I embarassed the socks off of my girls but oh well!! I got to share the day with some of my Madison Park family and they were a blast. I think Seventh Day Slumber really dug in and grabbed the kids by the heart.They did mine. The lead singer Joseph Rojas spoke of his life without Christ how there was no hope. He asked the audience to close their eyes and asked if anyone had thought about suicide in the last 2 weeks, in the last week or even had a plan to be bold and raise their hands...he prayed for them right then and there. He asked for those who were ready for Christ to radically change their lives to come forward...these kids came out of the woodwork. I couldnt help but wonder how many of them had just raised their hands when they were asked if they thought about ending it all...I was so heartbroken...I cried. I cried because these young people think they have no way out. They were coming forward to find the one true love of their life....He had come there to meet them that day and I know they left changed. I know I did. This man who had been so far down had fought his way back and was wanting to help us all understand we can fight our way back. The Christ is here with you. I cried for myself...so selfish but I did. I was thinking of my daughter who I know has self esteem issues right now and is sooo lost....this man even though he didnt know me encouraged me to keep faith,pray, believe. I cried for my own sin. I cried that sometimes the familiarity of the very sin seems to be a comfort. How fooled have I been. But...the difference is that I know Christ is with me...that He heals, that He loves and that He forgives. The rest of the nite was so exciting...worship out under the stars....standing in a group of people that were just as screwed up as I am but still hold fast to the promises that He has given us.....He was there after all. He was there amongst us that nite....and He totally rocked. I hope that everyone who got to go left differently than they came in. My whole family did. What a great nite......He is so good.....I cant wait to see what He has in store for me and for us all!!!!! He gives again....

Mrs. Lot

2005-09-23T10:34:00.000-07:00

Now those of you who know me know that this isnt my name....or is it. In our Wed morning Bible study we have been studying the patriarchs in Genesis. We have just been studying Abraham and Lot and you know that Sodom and Gomorrah come along with that. If you have ever in your life been in a Sunday school class you have hear that Lot's wife turned into a pillar of salt when she looked back. Hmmm....I am moved beyond words today because of a few things. Before Lots wife turned to salt Abraham had been having a conversation with God and interceeding for people within this sinful city who are righteous. He had pleaded with God that if there were 50 righteous people in the city God would spare it. God said of course...then as you know the pleading and bargaining got all the way down to 10 people then the Lord wouldnt destroy the city. So angels went into the city and scriputure state that the men of the town tried to get to them to have sexual realtions with them. Lot took them into his protection and even offered his own daughters to these men but they wanted these beings. Finally, Lot was told to take his family and leave and here is the clincher 'DONT LOOK BACK, IT WILL SURELY BRING DEATH". What did his wife do....yep, she looked back. What moves me here are these things...first of all God so badly wanted to save this city and the people that He was willing to let Abraham interceed and plead with Him. He was willing to wait so that "all should not perish". He loved these people so much. These people who were so involved in sin that the very Father in Heaven could hear the cry. He wanted to give them every opportunity to turn it around. But they didnt. How awsome is it that even now, He tarries in His return that no one should perish. He wants us all to be with Him. He, the creator of the universe, The I am, wants us to be with Him in eternity. We, who live in a world that is so full of itself it demands an answer to whose fault it is about a massive hurricane. We a society so deep in its own sin that I know He has to hear the very cry. But yet, He waits. Believe me, Im glad He waits. I know for myself I still have alot of changing to do to be the child of His. I still even today need His grace, His mercy, His forgiveness, His unconditional love. Im sorry but if He is waiting on me to get my head and life together Im grateful. But it moves me that He waits and so badly wants us all to come.
The other thing that moved me, and maybe He gave this to me because He knows its time, was when Lots wife looked back and turned to salt. Hmmm..she looked back. What have I been dwelling in over the last 7 months, The past. Where have I allowed my thoughts to stay...in the past. What has drug me so low sometimes that I cant breathe and it has had me in tears...looking back. Now mind you, memories are one thing. They are good things, but where I have been has been dwelling and wishing for the past. I have not allowed myself to look at the day He has given me nor have I allowed myself to look to the future He is preparing for me. No, I havent turned to a pillar of salt but my life kind of has. I havent allowed myself to move forward. I havent allowed Him to move me into the places He has for me because I keep looking back. I am so glad He gave this to me today. I needed it. Everything happens for a reason and maybe its just that today I am finally ready to head the warning and put my mind on things of the day and things for tomorrow. Yes tomorrow is in His hands so I wont worry but I can eagerly anticipate what He has for me. I finally feel free today. Like finally maybe Im getting it. That tarrying in the past can lead to some really bad decisions and feelings. Each day is new and can be a rebirth and a renewal. Today is mine. I will look forward. I will keep my memories close to my heart and smile at them but no longer will I live there. He has new things for me and even though it may be scary and unchartered territory for me I know Im not alone. It just amazes me that He can take a piece of history and change my life today. Yep that "was" me ....Mrs. Lot.....but with focus and prayer and faith she can stay in the "salt shaker" and I will choose to go forward with a smile on my face and be happy for what I have before me today not what I lost yesterday....man how amazing is that!!!! He gives again even when I didnt even deserve it the first time....thank you Father....

It never ceases to amaze me!!!

2005-09-21T11:33:00.000-07:00

This post may seem weird but hang on Im on my way to a point....no comments now!!!! :o)

In this business Im in I see everything you could imagine. People who are pretty fit and just trying to stay very healthy and on top of the ball..then there are the others, who I can relate to, they are just deciding in their lives that its time to take care of themselves. I just love these people. They have taken a look in the mirror and dont like what they see or they have been to the doctor and he has said..."time to start taking better care of yourself". No matter which one it is I love them. It is so hard to make a change. You have to want to do it. No magazine picture, no commercial on t.v. can make you do it, you have to want it for yourself. I cant tell you how much money I have wasted on diets...good grief. I could single handedly taken care of all of the needs in the hurricane area alone with that money...can I get an amen from anyone else?? ha ha. But here I am doing what Im doing after a long hard war. Heck, Im still in combat everyday to make the right choices. But kids, its not or cant be a diet. You have to make it your life. We know what happens when we "fall off of the wagon". Those guys at the Hyvee bakery know when Ive fallen cause the chocolate donuts seem to disappear out of their case. I admit it...it is going to be one of the hardest fights of our lives. We all have our weaknesses...mine is food. But let me tell you...you can get the upper hand. It can be done. I know...Ive done it and am fighting everyday to still keep it up. Being overweight is like being in the shakels of sin. I know this too because I am a sinner too!! Sometimes you get so depressed that you eat to feel better and 5 minutes after you have finished eating...your even more depressed because you ate whatever it was you shouldnt have. Same thing with sin....you miss or crave whatever thing you used to do and you feel down but then if you mess up or fall here too 5 minutes later its guilt. The bad thing about loving food and being an addict like me...there Ive said it.....you cant live without food. You have to learn to live with it. I try to live with this motto.."dont live to eat.....eat to live". Treat food like it is....sustanence. Not the meaning of life but the energy we need to live this life. Just like stepping away from sin. We dont need sin in our lives to live...but it finds its way in. We need to be feasting on His word to help us to say no to whatever it is that drags us down. Just like we need to have the courage to say no when that chocolatey thing is screaming our name.....It will be so hard at first but after a couple of times...you can find freedom from it. There is always a way out...He provides it in both cases. My way out of the food thing is exercise....my way out of the sin...though I still fall...is claiming His Son's cleansing blood. Either way I get life pumping blood in my viens and I feel better. I tried so hard so many years to be slimmer, healthier..but it wasnt until 6 years ago I had enough. I still sometimes see that girl in the mirror and remind myself that is just a ghost and she is really gone. I had to take it one day at a time...one hour at a time. Today this girl loves running and exercise in general. Hey, it can be a lot of fun if it isnt for you....call me we will get together and we can make it fun...I promise. For all of you out there battling this war I am with you. I am here for you. I am in the trenches with you and if I can help you let me know.....I just wanted to share this with you because it was on my heart. I have some incredible people in my life and I know that I want to torment them, I mean share it with them for a really long time.....You can and will do this....you all will succeed just stay in the ring...when that final bell rings...you will be the victor....I just know it!!!! I love you guys....I mean it....Im so excited for where you are going....heck, Ive got people in my family who have now jumped on board so Im a personal cheerleader!!! Im cheering for you too!!!! :o) hey and losing a Backstreet Boy hasnt hurt my feelings at all...he was soo heavy to carry around anyway!! ha ha.

Can you feel it?????!!!!!

2005-09-15T13:22:00.000-07:00

Can you feel it?? I ask you again can you feel it?? Fall is in the air today and all is right with the world...even the rain is great. The coolness in the air, the smell. Its no longer stifeling hot and the smell of heat is no longer lingering in the air. I love fall. It is my favorite time of year. The leaves which if you have noticed are starting to get a hue of color other than their fresh green hue. Reds are starting to appear. Pumpkins are showing up in the stores...yes my friends the time is coming close. I read a friends blog recently and he also gave an ode to Fall. Now today you can almost touch it. Football has started....yippee!! I have made a batch of carmel apples already. It just gives me such a jolt. This long hot summer has drug my heart so low but now the injection of cool air and a wind with a tiny tickle has my heart elated today...so off to my shower I go...singing my ode to the coming season. I will dawn my first sweatshirt of the season and step a little livelier today....and for my poor clients I just know they are going to feel my jovial excitement when I tell them " one more round of walking lunges with a smile please"...gotta love me!!!! Jesus said so :o)

Will it ever go away......

2005-09-11T10:48:00.000-07:00

I must admit this last few days has had me in the dumps. I have really been missing my old home church. Not the building as I just shared with a friend but the choir, the closeness, the craziness, the love. I havent had a lot of contact with people this week and sometimes that is bad for me. It allows my mind to wander and dig up old memories. I was hurting so badly this week that I almost had myself convinced to go back for one little visit but then the Lord gave me the sense to realize that would be very detramental to what I was trying to do. I wont lie, it hurts to not belong somewhere. Now dont get me wrong, I know I belong to a wonderful new place where God is sooo alive, but its just belonging with something. Having your purpose kind of thing. This morning's worship service was soo awsome. One of my best friends was playing this week and I was soo excited to finally have her back where she was created to be. I walked in to very familiar songs. Then when I got in the sanctuary there were more familiar songs, then her sweet face eyes closed in worship, on the big screen. Familiar harmonies, familiar faces of other loved ones up front. My favorite song..."You are my king"...now tears, the God of the universe was reminding me He cares even when my little heart is "homesick for the familiar". Showing me reminders of what was and showing me glimpses of whats to come. He knew when I walked in this morning I need to feel "home". I did. He reminded me that its not about the surroundings it about who is in control. Its about HIm. Its always been about Him...but He cared so much today to remind me He loves me and wants me to find Him....and guess what....I did....He was there all of the time. He made the journey with me and He continues to make it with me...never leaving my side. Yes, I had finally come to realize in my heart I will never go back, I can only go forward and walk through those doors and know Im home....

What is in a name.....

2005-09-07T13:38:00.000-07:00

Well with a name like mine not much. I have had it twisted, jumbled, made fun of and redone. And not by some nice people sometimes but hey its still my name. It doesnt mean much to some and other dont even know it but its my name and my Mom gave it to me. I have been envious of others with pretty names. Have tried to change mine a couple of times when I was younger but never happened still have it. Today we began a new study on the Patriarchs of the Bible. We began with the names of God. Wow!! I have now come to except the fact that my little brain is way too small for this. It was amazing to see how He intertwined His name with other things and how certain names mean and signify certain things. Im really excited to see what He will reveal to me. Or allow me to see. Have you ever thought about some of the names we get labled with? Some of them arent too nice and lets face it they are hard to shake but names are powerful. The next time I hear someones name Im going to wonder about how this was chosen for them. I remember when I could tell the level of trouble I was in by which name and how many of them my Mom used to call me....you know what I mean dont you!! ha ha. What is in a name....I would say alot. :o)

He gives......

2005-09-06T09:43:00.000-07:00

After the last post, God gives. On Sunday Mike and I had plans to go to Springfield to see the State Farm Classic.(lpga tourney) But after everything that had happened the nite before he suggested I just stay home since I really didnt sleep, but I decided I needed to get out of town. Even if it was to see a golf tournament. He loves golf and he has done enough of my crap so I believed I could do this. If nothing else it was going to be a nice drive. We headed out around 9:30 or so. Normal chit chat, you know how it goes. We were just about to Barry when he pulls out some of the new cds he has purchased. Todd Agnew and Casting Crowns. Love them both...I decide on the Casting Crowns. I put the cd in and from the moment the first note was played until the very last one was sung I was ministered to. Man, there is a song on there " Love them Like Jesus", touched my heart and made me think of my daughter who is going through all of this stuff with her boyfriend and their situation with the baby and all. Then there was the song about praising through the storm. I knew then that is what God wanted me to do. Was just to let go and praise Him. I bawled like a baby. Mike was like are you going to be ok...I told him I just really needed to hear the words of these songs...."are we shiney plastic people in shiney plastic steeples". We are called not only to live like Christ but to reach out like Him. And sometimes that means showing our not so perfect side. Showing our realness not the mask we put on for our church families on Sunday morning. The world needs to see us when we arent at our best sometimes just so we can show them the grace He has given us. Im not saying go out and mess up but perhaps when people ask us how we are...share with them. When we are in our place of ministry whether its preaching, teaching or singing they need to see us praising even through the storms. Todd Agnew's credits read the same message...I think these brothers and sisters are on to something. Realness, even in the hurt can be an outreach to someone who needs to see it. Both of these albums are awsome. I pray you will get to hear them. They will touch you and move you into a new place, perhaps give you a new perspective on things like they did me. Made me shift myself into another mode. To just put my eyes on the One who loves me and trust Him and just praise Him while the storm blows and just know that He is in control and it will all be ok. So while the storm winds are blowing in my household this one is built on the solid rock and nothing will move it.....holy, holy, holy....worthy, worthy, worthy are You of my praise.....

the golf tournament was fun. these ladies rock!! and do they play...think Im gonna give golf another try. If nothing else some of the outfits were cute!! :o) and really isnt thats what golf is about....looking good even when you stink!! :o)

Rocky Road...

2005-09-03T19:14:00.000-07:00

No Im not talking about ice cream...wish I was. Now mind you I realize that in this world we have been given free will. God gave it to us. I understand about the fall. I know that Adam and Eve made a mistake and now we all make stupid mistakes. Today is another battle in my home. I am fighting sooo hard for my eldest daughter's future. She has huge dreams. She wants to become an RN. I know she will be great at it. She just wants to make a bright future for herself and her son. There is one thing that will not allow her to get there...her feelings for this young man who is in her life and is her son's father. He has strung her along soo long she doesnt believe she will ever find anyone else and has decided that it is better to stick it out with someone who doesnt love her and mistreats her horribly. Almost on the verge of abuse. His parent treat her bad as well. But she still runs back to him. He didnt have a job until the other day and that is only because his parents made him. He is 19 years young but he has a responsibility to this baby and my daughter. She has a job, is going to school and is taking care of this little one without any help from him. But she will fight to the death for him. She begs for his love and attention and doesnt get it but thats ok to her. It is unacceptable to me. I explain that she has a bright future and the Lord will provide the right person for her when its time. But its on deaf ears. Its a constant battle. Yelling arguing, sometimes I just stay quiet until I cant take it anymore. My other two daughters have to constantly deal with this and its not fair to them. They didnt sign up for this. They love this baby to death and share in his care. How far do we go to help her? She is forever our daughter. I dont ever want to give up but when do we just say...you have to do what you have to do. I know God never gives up on me when I do stupid stuff....He fights to the death with me to keep me in His care. He forgives me each and every time I choose the wrong way. How do we know?? I have prayed for Him to show me His will. But I dont know if Im just deaf or if this is a season of waiting. We are a tough bunch and I can usually find a way to laugh through anything...but the laughs just arent coming anymore. I love her so much it hurts me to see what is going on in her life. I know she has to come to God on her own. I know she has to come back in her own time.....but a mother's heart is breaking. I want nothing but the best for her. I know she has so much potential but I know it wont be realized if she stays in this relationship. He doesnt call her, take her out, or tell her he loves her. She has to initiate it all. Sounds like this is one sided doesnt it?? I guess I just needed to vent. I need prayer to see what Im to do. We all need prayer to keep it together. I know there is hope. I know He is here fighting this with us. Lord if you are sifting.....I think Im getting it.....do what you will. I know whats on the other side is way beyond what I could ever imagine....thank you friends for you love prayers and support....hang in there with me. I want to celebrate with you when the light shines through.

Random babbles.....

2005-08-31T08:06:00.000-07:00

First things first...."FREE TO GOOD HOME...ONE TOM CAT...GREAT HUNTER...WILL CATCH MICE, BIRDS AND YES EVEN BABY RABBITS' stupid cat...5:00am Tuesday morning...my day off...sleeping soundly...all of a sudden...."peep, peep, peep" very loudly coming from the hall...there it is again..."Mike, your stupid cat has something in the hall" Very slowly this big guy walks to our bedroom door very slowly opens it cause he's afraid of mice too! " Gin, its not a mouse, come here" Well what is it..is my reply..." I dont know come here." I get up and get close to the cat...its a baby rabbit. Now Im mad I try to get it away from him but he runs under the dresser...I grab the handle of the duster and begin poking, and he runs to the kitchen...the rabbit is now dead...I finally tick him off enough he goes outside and very quickly devours the little thing. I have now blocked the door and he is not to return inside. Got to luv my fearless protector dont ya :o)

In case I havent mentioned it, my 10 month old grandson is now walking. He began toddling around when he was 9 months old but now is fully mobile. He can even run... I dont know how I ever kept up with my girls when they were this little...I was twice my size. But I dont remember my girls being this busy...I guess boys are different. He sure is a cute little guy if I do say so myself. Blonde hair and blue eyes. Hes a sweetie!!

Mike and I just celebrated our 20th anniversary on August 17. We were supposed to go out of town this weekend and spend the nite in Springfield because the LPGA has a tournament there so we are going so he can watch. Dont think we are staying the nite now...have you seen the gas prices today...2.96. OUCH....it could be worse...I could live in Mississippi, or New Orleans. We are just going over on Sunday now...too expensive. Plus I am going to take a class at JWCC in noutrition so I can start noutritional counseling. So going to spend the money there instead. I know its not fair but still getting the best of both. Just time away and more education. Plus its my birthday this weekend and I want to celebrate it with my babies..:o)

Been out of the loop for awhile and I havent gotten to see my friends very much but its just a busy time of year...I hope to get together soon :o)

And for the Bunny Foo Foo collection....I have a cat we can bop on the head...not sure if it will work lyrically but could we try :o) lol...I know Im bad...

Have a great long weekend....be safe.Pray for those poor people in the south. They are hurting so much and if there is nothing more than we can do than pray then that is alot. Luv to you all.

Mouse Hunting....

2005-08-25T18:23:00.000-07:00

It was a quiet rainy morning..yeah right I have a 10 month old grandson!! Anywho..sitting on my couch this morning with a nice cup of coffee. You see I am on vacation began yesterday. I actually slept in until 8:30 that hasnt happened to me in over a year. It felt sooo nice. :o) But I was relaxing just anticipating what I had planned for the day. I was going to continue on with my Fall cleaning. Got the entire living room done yesterday. Walls washed and all...AMEN!! So I was taking my sweet time to continue on in the kitchen which I started last nite...next thing I see is my husbands cat....who I HATE with a passion...now dont get me wrong. I love animals but this cat is the seed of satan himself. His name is TW or T for short. He comes in the doggy door carrying a huge mouse in his mouth!! I yelled...OH NO YOU DONT!!! jumped up off of the couch while my eldest daughter picks up her young son and runs to a corner yelling..."get it Mom", Im like.."I hate mice" but with all of the cunning of "the crocidile hunter" I tiptoe down the hall to see where this stupid cat has gone. My bedroom door is closed..whew!! My middle daughters door is open as well as the computer room...but from behind me I hear a scurry...I turn and look in the bathroom and this stupid cat has this mouse cornered next to the toilet. Hmmmm. I go into the kitchen put on my husbands shoes. I stalk into the bathroom. Now mind you I hate mice...so I tiptoe in and sure enough there they are together...cat playing with the mouse. I hesitate for just a moment and think what in the world am I going to do. My first thought was to call Mike and make him get his happy but home and fix this since it is his cat but I thought...no Im tougher than that. I grab the broom. I head into the unknown. I slowly go back into the bathroom and close the door behind me...there is no turning back..its me or the mouse. I creep up beside the stool and see the mouse between the plunger and the wall..the cat is sitting right in front of it. He cant get to it. I leap into action. I nail the little bugger with the broom and he tries to run but he gets behind the toilet brush container and I squish him between it and the wall. Now no guts are coming out but he is definately unconscious. I do see blood but I think the cat did that. I yell for my daughter to bring me the big popcorn bowl. She comes to the outside of the door..no way is she coming in.(chicken) I get the bowl..I then put the plunger over the mouse so he cant escape. I find the dustpan in the corner and scoop him up in the bowl. I then grab this stupid cat and throw him and the darn mouse about 50 feet across the yard. I run not walk back into the house and lock the doggie door....n0 more kitty!!!

Now mind you I am a country girl but I have never liked mice. Will never like mice and they sure as heck dont belong in my house!!! So dear kitty...keep your stupid toys outside or the next thing I will put under the plunger is your head!!! jk.:o) so hopefully the rest of my vacation will be without the great hunt...who knows...tomorrow it could be a bird..he's done it before but the first time he brings in a snake will be the last time I blog from this house cause the snake can have it!! :o) nitey nite dear ones...dont let the bed bugs bite. :o)

Diary of a Mad Woman

2005-08-17T14:40:00.000-07:00

Well it has taken me a week to try to get myself somewhat back to normal. Here is the diary of one mad woman...

"got on the train at 5:55 Saturday August 6. That is the am!! Heading to Chicago with one of my best friends to do something I have never done before and I must admit I am scared. But excited to get out of town and experience city life. We pulled into Chi town and walked to our hotel...What a beautiful city. The architecture is just amazing. We checked into the Hotel Hilton and it is absolutely beautiful. We then decided to venture out and get some lunch. We ate at this little resturant called The Artist Corner and ate outside. wonderful. The park across the street was beautiful and brand new. Called Millineum Park. We walked all the way to the Chicago river and I again was in awe. We then walked back to the lake. Now mind you I have never seen it before and we were on the pier but I just couldnt speak. Yes the great mouth was silent. The beauty of it all the boats, the sails. Wow!! I could have stayed there the rest of the day but we had to head back to the hotel to shower and go out for supper. We met with my buddies pal and rode to dinner in her convertible BMW..not bragging but loved the converitble part!! Came back to the hotel and veged and mentally prepared for the next day...my nerves just wouldnt let go. But went to bed.

Rose to a beautiful morning. Only this ...it was hot. Where is this lake breeze everyone told me about. Oh well, the sites and sounds were great. We walked to the starting line since it was right across the street :o) The huge knot in my stomach wasnt sure I should be there but the excitement was growing...finally. We were standing on the start line and I just looked around. So many people. So many different kinds of people all heading in the same direction...to the end. One runners shirt read scripture and forgive me I wont get it exactly but it said to run to the very end. Made me remember....Im not alone. I joked like always, with those around me. This was going to be fun no matter how hard it gets. My friend and I did a high five and the horn blew we were off...now we had to wait about 5 minutes or so since there were so many...but we finally got off running. My heart was in my throat and that wasnt good but I knew in time it would go back to where it belonged...I cant believe Im doing this, this is just amazing. We chatted for about the first two miles or so. The runners were setting a faster pace than I was used to but I hung in there. My buddy kept hangging back for me and finally I had to let her go...she is amazing and she needed to kick tail...it made me so happy to see her go ahead. I had to do this on my own. She couldnt hold my hand anymore...she had to fly and I had to run my own race. About mile 4 I took my gel and drank my water at the station. I began to feel very warm but it was really hot and humid. We began our course through this park...amazing. Y0u could see the lake from here and Im sure I would have enjoyed it more but I was starting to work. We were coming up on mile 6.5 and the elite runners are heading back towards me...they were awsome...their bodies were just finely tuned instruments. They were working hard too. The heat was getting to eveyrone. You couldnt help but cheer for them.:o) well that meant I had a little ways to go before the turn around. Almost half way. Finally another water station...thank you Lord. Got to the turn around and saw that I wasnt last. There were still miles of runners way behind me...they were working just as hard. Mile 7...wall!! Yikes, I could feel it. I took another gel and a drink. Man, the legs are heavy. You can do this girl. Man is it hot...sweating like crazy. Im dumping one cup of water down my throat and the other over my head. Am I wet because of the water or sweat?? the things that go on in your head. Mile 8.5..it is getting tough and I slow down I want to finish running I dont want to walk. finally....mile 9...more water and gatorade. Is my face as red as I think it is?? My ears are ringing a little but the music in my ear keeps me focused. Mile 10..ok now we are into the double digits...I dont know how much more I can give but Im not stopping...up ahead right at mile 10.5 I see the fella with the scripture...run to the end....I pull up along side and we chat. He tells me I look great I tell him the message he had for me today was greatly appreciated and I hope the Lord will bless him. explain quickly this is my first half and he kindly says it doesnt show...we are at mile 11 he lets me know this is the last water for a while and to drink...I do..he disappears. Thank you God for the reminder. Now here is where the hard part comes. The most Ive run is 11. And it is usually in the cooler morning hours and here it is....hot and the sun is reflecting off of this lake. Here we go. The legs are lead the heart is beating in my head...where is that stupid mile 12 marker...I take the turn to mile twelve and someone is being loaded into an ambulance...oh no Dear Lord be with him...off I go. Down this little hill....behind this building there is no breeze just the blazing sun and concrete....man, I dont know if I can make it. My legs just feel so heavy....is this thing ever going to end?? Around this corner, 3 people in front of me are asking the very same question and they decide to walk. Not me, Im not walking even if I shuffle Im not walking. Just around this other corner...what is this....a HILL, who put this here and why didnt I know about it...dig in Gin, lets do this. There is this burning sensation in the back of my throat, I refuse to get sick now. Almost to the top, I didnt realize I could sweat soo much...My legs are feeling like cement bricks now and they feel like they arent my own. I see a very nice man on a bike at the top of the hill. Finally at the top Im not sure I can take another step, I am physically done, mentally Im not far behind. The man says "honey, look up" it was the finish line. I will not stop now I have come too far and I am too close. From somewhere deep within me I continue one foot in front of the other. The about 150 yards or so from the finish I feel a burst of energy I didnt know I had. I began to sprint. I just keep thinking about how far I had come and I wasnt going to look back I just wanted to keep my eyes on the finish. I passed 2 or 3 people and as I crossed the finish line I felt a bit like Lance Armstrong...no it wasnt my 7 Tour de France, but it felt like I had just won the ultimate race. I began to cry. I was thinking about my Mom and how I knew she had ran with me that day, how my friends were thinking of me and praying for me and how I ran on the wings of angels because of their prayers, I thought of my family at home and how excited they were for me and that they were there in my heart and that I had been carrying them all that way too. I was thinking about how just 6 years earlier I never dreamed I would have this kind of moment. But I did. And Im glad I had all of that with me because it made me just relish this moment. It was the hardest thing I have every physically done in my life.It was very mental also. It taught me a lot about myself and about the human spirit. That there really are still caring people in this world who would make sure a total stranger has water and a cheering section. And that you can be encouraged by people , who you dont know, that are working and sweating as hard as you and they smile and say you look great keep it up....yes I learned alot this day. I am already looking forward to another one in April in Nashville...I know I have much more to learn but how much Ive learned and how blessed I am because I was there.....so to all you fellow bloggers who were there with me....WE DID IT...AND WE DIDNT HAVE TO WALK!!!!! :o) now where's my cake...ha ha.

Finally....

2005-08-02T08:51:00.000-07:00

Well, the time has finally come. I am now officially 5 days away from what could be one of either the bravest or stupidest things I have ever done. I must admit I am excited and scared. I have been training long enough that I know I can do this and finish. I have enough faith to know that I wont be alone. I also know that my buddy wont let me die in a ditch somewhere along Chicago's lake front..even though my whining might make her wish that she could :o) When you think about it 13.1 miles...hmmm that is like from here to Payson. Even a little farther..but its there. That is a big number. But for the last 2 weeks Ive been running double digit runs. 10 one week and 11 last week in one day. I know that it will be a challenge but then again anything that makes you dig deep is worth it. I just keep remembering where I was 6 years ago. I remember how it felt to be carrying around "a backstreet boy" and trying to just walk across the room. I hope that when I cross that finish line I will remember where Ive come from and just look forward to where I hope to go. Its funny though, I took out on a short run this morning. I can run 11 miles so I knew this 5 mile couldnt be too bad. Should be a piece of cake...wrong.Found myself struggling just a little. I think that is why I love running. It is a constant challenge. You can run 5bazillion mles one day and feel great and go out later that same week to run a short one and you feel like crap. You just never know. You just have to be prepared. Just like life sometimes, you take out on a "long run" and you do great but the next day could be totally challenging and you just dont think you can do it and you feel like crap. Things that make you go hmmmm..... I will miss church this week and that makes me sad but will get a cd of a sermon I missed 3 wks ago and hope that will hold me over...... I am looking forward to this new challenge and am soo looking forward to this killer piece of chocolate cake that will be awaiting me. Im looking forward to the train ride. I havent been on one in a while and am excited to just have some time to myself that I havent had in a while. Dont get me wrong I love my family but just need the break. :o) Hopefully will live to blog again...but just in case...this message will self destruct in 10 seconds..ha ha luv to you all!!!!!! Later tater tots :o)

Thankful...

2005-07-29T11:15:00.000-07:00

You know when you finally have the ability to let something go it can be very freeing or very hurtful. Ive been holding on to some things that I have been to scared to let go of. They arent good for me any way you look at it and Im just not sure what the other side of this river looks like without them but I feel it is time to finally just have the faith it takes to go on without them. I have been really scared to let go because they have been what I have relied on when I thought Ive had nothing else. But in all truthfulness I should have let them go. Last nite driving home I kept thinking these things always lead me to not feeling very good about myself. And I have been listening to the evil one telling me that I just cant get through without these things. That I am too weak. That no one will love me and Im not special, so I fall prey to these things. I am weak. But I believe that it is time to let them go. I pray that I will have the strength and the courage to hold fast to the One I know I can count on. He has been placing things in my life to show me that He knows that it will be hard but He loves me and will meet my needs. He has, every time. This is hard for me but at the same time will benefit not only me but others and that is what I care about most. That others will benefit from me letting go. They may never understand but in the long run they will realize it is for the best. Im scared I admit it. And I dont know what the other side will be like but I know in time it will bring glory to the One who made me.

Im thankful for His mercy, His grace, and His unconditional love. It just astounds me that when I come to Him caked in filth and hold up my hands to be picked up like a small child, He moved heaven and earth to come and get me. He took the very tree He created fashioned it into a cross and hung there for me for the very times when I hurt Him most. All He sees is His love for us. How eagerly He wants to clean us up and help us along this path that He knows isnt easy. How He cheers for us when we make the right choices and how He holds us close when we make the wrong ones. How He delights in His children when they laugh and play. How He cries with us when we cry. He is an amazing Father. I am thankful that He loves me inspite of myself. I want to see Him face to face someday, I want to thank Him for loving me when I felt very unlovable. Im thankful that His son interceedes for me. Im thankful for giving me loving friends in my life who are going this journey with me and loving me through thick and thin(who has seen the thin??lol). Im thankful for the new friendships Im making. Good,solid, godly relationships that will benefit me in my walk. Im thankful for family. My beautiful girls...my Lord, I dont deserve the happiness they bring. Through tears and disappointments I love them soo much. For my beautiful sweet boy,though he came through a bad set of choices God gave us a gift that is so wonderful. He gives, and gives and gives. I am so unworthy...arent we all?? But He is worthy, and He is worthy of all of our love and praise and worship. Lord, just help me to do your will, to live a life that shows a life of worship, and totally sold out life. Not a bartered life but a sold out for Christ life.

Am I really supposed to sweat like this??

2005-07-25T14:07:00.000-07:00

Now I know its hot. I just dont see how much hotter it can get but last nite baby, it got so hot. I was sweating from places I dont think Im supposed to :o) When I pulled into the church parking lot last nite my thermometer read 104. Now if that was a fever we would be going to the hospital....whew. But it wasnt only my body that was sweating, I felt my very heart sweat...let me explain.

Last nite we had our Nite of Worship. I had been so looking forward to this and had been working very hard to be ready so that nothing could be in the way of this being a nite where I could just focus totally on the Father. Well, as things would go I came with a heavy heart. No matter how hard I tried I tried to shrug it off but this muddy grime on me just wouldnt leave me..it was caked on me and hard. You know how mud does. It just dries so heavy. The nite before had been spent totally wringing my heart out.Too much junk to get into and way too heavy of a conversation for a blog...this topic deserves a huge piece of chocolate cake so if anyone really wants to help I will bring my fork :o) Anyway, I tried very hard to put the nite before behind me. This topic hurts because it deals with the pain that comes from a child who is making some really bad decisions..anyway, I tried to hard to just focus. Even as I pulled into the parking lot I was still trying to pray this grime off of me. No doing. I went in just trying to do the best I could to mask. Im really good at this and the people around me just make it easy to bury it. They are awsome. We practiced. When it started I just tried to focus on the technical stuff but found myself just letting go. It was just so moving even during rehersal. I felt things warming up. We prayed for the Lord just to cover this service and to find our offering pleasing.....We started with such fun music was so uplifting you couldnt help but smile. The whole family of God just lifted the roof off of the place. Man, you could just feel it in the room. We had a wonderful man speak to us about incense. About how the word used for the mercy seat was also the same as Jesus..wow,didnt know. He talked about how prayer focuses on the problem, but worship focuses on the provider. How amazing. Then a beautiful video on the amazing Jesus himself set to the song..."Your grace still amazes me". That pretty much did it. This song was one of my favorites from our choir days at MPCC. I could hear those voices, I felt the message in a way I had never before. I began to shake, to cry.Ive never had my body tremble out of pure abandonment of heart during a time of complete and total worship. I forgot where I was. That was the oddest thing ever. Its like I was in a throne room. I felt like one of the seraphim and cherabim around the alter in Revelation. When we sang our alleluja's I felt the very presence of the living God. You could feel He was pleased..I just know He was. When I finally opened my eyes I could see the faces of those who just love Him so much. You could see Him melting hearts. Changing lives. And to think, we wanted to bring Him something and just like always..He gives. I looked over to see my sweet friend in total abandon and bliss of worship..where she belongs and where she thrives mind you. Im so glad I wasnt alone on this little journey this nite. When I left there...the mud was gone and wings took its place and just for a moment I know I saw heaven...I just know it. Im glad I was a part of this. I feel like this is a new chapter or as a friend said a move to the other shore. Yes, the water has been held back long enough for the both of us. Im thankful for the people who share this love with me. You are all Gods gift to me. And no, I wont exchange you...I didnt keep the reciepts(ha ha) I hope you are all able to find a time of worship weather in song or in some other area because when you focus on the provider, amazingly He provides a gift when we try to bring Him one.

So my friend I want you to know I will help you carry your stones to the other side. I will help you carry your burden when you pick it up from time to time and I pray if its God's will we can stand in the same choir when we get home and I promise not to stand in front of the mic.:o)

Whatever:o)

2005-07-23T14:23:00.000-07:00

Man the moon was beautiful this morning. That doesnt sound right does it..but it was. It lit up the sky until the sun began coming up this morning. Yes, I got up to run because it was going to be dangerously hot today so we got up really early to run. I had been kind of nervous about this all week because I knew it was coming..10 miles. I have to admit it went really quick until mile 9. Hit that same stupid wall. But mustered up enough to finish. Thats all I wanted was to finish running. If you could call it that :o) It wasnt pretty but hey its behind me now.

Went to see the QCT's rendition of Beauty and the Beast last nite. It was wonderful. I felt like I was watching a bit of Broadway. Although I must admit I had nitemares about the dancing dishes and forks!! I train Karrie Nozawa who plays Belle and couldnt have been more prouder of her than if she was my own daughter. I took Chrissy and Morgan with me. They loved it too. I so wanted to try out for this play because it was my favorite but too time consuming. Perhaps another time another play. It was so cool to see all of the little ones in the audience. They just squeeled with delight. And when Belle came out in her beautiful yellow gown they just ooed! An old friend was at the helm of the orchestra and he was marvelous.Just a great nite and I needed it after the funeral.

My friend and I were talking this morning about when stuff happens to us and its hard,life that is. Said she feels like at times it just never seems to quit and just when you feel you are strong in your faith something happens. I told her I totaly understand. I have felt like this about the last two weeks with the passing of may aunts, finding out that my sister is having problems, problems within my family with dauther's boyfriends, rules, money etc etc etc...then I reminded her that we must be doing something right to be attacked so hard so we need to hang in here together. Easier said than done alot of the times.But never the less, the end reward is worth it.

Im looking foward to the Nite of Praise tomorrow nite. Just a chance to close my eyes and lift my face and voice upward...hope you all can make it. :o) stay cool although Im not sure how!!!!! :o)

It finally happened to me.....

2005-07-21T10:39:00.000-07:00

I was beginning to worry that it wasnt going to happen to me. I was beginning to think that I was never going to start to feel at home...but it did. Tuesday nite we had an awsome nite of worship preparing for this great get together we are planning to just worship. It was rehersal for the Nite Of Worship and like the friend of mine who was there too and has said, it began to feel familiar. It was sooo much fun. I could just totally cut loose! I wasnt sure if this would happen.To make a total confession I had even been toying with the idea of just stepping out of the music ministry because I wasnt sure what I could bring. But after Tuesday nite I feel like I can still add something. Someone needed me to sing louder to hear a part, now that has never happened to me...me sing louder...ususally hear.."does she even really need a mic?" ha ha...but she needed me to help her...it felt so good that I could bring something other than just my voice. I always bring my heart and life as an offering but that nite I had something to offer other than what I had always brought. I was dancing my little feet off and singing my little heart out and was worshipping all out with people who dont know how to do anything else but worship all out. They laughed at me and with me and it was great. I was beginning to feel things jell and it finally felt like home....there is a long road ahead but I am loving the way this is starting to come together. He has always been in control and letting Him handle it has worked out great and in His time and in His way...now those messed up thoughts can just move along Im choosing to hang in there and see what else He has planned for me...Im gonna hang on for the ride, give HIm the wheel and I hope I get to play with the radio station as we go once in a while...:o)

Losses......

2005-07-19T07:49:00.000-07:00

Im sitting here this morning going through alot of memories. See last week I lost one aunt and explained that her sister was soon to follow...well last nite she went home. Now I realize that both of these wonderful women had been ill and are now better off. My brain tells me this but would someone please get the attention of my heart...I cried all the way to work this morning for two reasons...one out of all of the wonderful memories that flooded my mind and heart. Her crazy laugh. She was a huge nut and loved being around her when I was young. The other reason for the tears was purely selfish...see I thought about that wonderful reunion that was probably going on...two sisters and a brother that they havent seen since 1982 when he passed away. This was my grandpa and I really miss him today. Im so jelouse that they get to see him and I will still have to wait. I will gladly wait until its my turn. Im sure my Mom was close by for that reunion too and I will bet they will all have a wonderful time talking about everything and laughing...oh how I wish I could see it all. I dont do well with losses but will hold tight to the Great Comforter and hold tight to my wonderful memories and look through old pictures and try to have my own family reunion. This parting is temporary and I know some day I will see them too so I will wait and look forward to the time when we will see Him as He is and we will see all of those loved ones who are waiting to welcome us home and share wonderful stories and laugh...oh how we love to laugh.....:o)"and I go to prepare a place for you that when I come again and recieve you unto myself,that where I am there you are also....what a promise.

Untitled...

2005-07-17T06:31:00.000-07:00

I have still been working away at the wonderful Beth Moore book. This last chapter I finished talked about love. The title of the chapter was "The Safe House of Love"..I really liked that. She talked about the fact that sometimes in the middle of our chaotic days we miss a great invitation to "come out and play". She had been writing alot and had just been watching the snow fall outside her window but just hadnt had time to enjoy it...but she could hear the invitation..to come out and play. She finally did and even made a snowman. She laughed and knew that God laughed with her. She knew He had made this moment for her. The snow had been there for a while but she just hadnt taken it personally. She writes "the breeze is alread there, the sunset is already there, the morning tide is already there, the timid doe is already there, the sumer rain is already there. Have you taken them personally?" I wonder how many times,self included, that we look so hard for things, they are already there. Like today, my husband suggested we stay home today since we have been on the road now for 2 weekends at family reunions, we havent had any family time together just being still. I wrestled with this and even said I would go without him, but have come to the conculsion that its ok. Just because Im not "in church" doesnt mean I cant "have church". So I will:o) This chapter continues talking about that if we are so in love with Him has this love spoiled it for everything else. We cant understand His love, its unconditional. Its in our worship songs but do we really get it. The angels get it. They look upon the face of God and then at His children. She says their eyes have no human cataract..I like that, we do have clouded eyes. But she explains the actual substance of divine love like this..... as wet as water but not water, as weighty and warm as a woolen cloak, yet not woolen and as light and distinct as a snowflake, but never cold, lavished in heaps upon the very mortals who do not feel it. How cool is that!!! She goes on to talk about how the Bride of Christ has grown cold in the love of her groom. Oh she respects him, but does she truly love Him. Made me think. I hope you get the chance to read this book. It is really great.

So this week when you look out the window and find yourself too busy, take a moment to just see if that invitation is there to "come out and play"...take it. He is waiting to play and laugh with you. Revel in His love. The dishes will always be there!!!!

Today is another day.....

2005-07-15T11:07:00.000-07:00

Rack last nites blog up to being a soft hearted person who was just having one of those moments. I am a pretty positive person most of the time but I was tired and caught off guard. I just wasnt at my best. But Im not sure if today is really any better...one of my aunts passed away last nite and her sister is "on her way out". The one that passed away is in North Carolina and has been cremated. The sister is here in Chapin and is now in acoma not expected to last much longer. I feel blessed that I have had these two women in my life but I am more sad for my Grandma who is very upset and shaken to be losing both of her sisters-in law. My mom only had one brother and he hung himself when he was 13 so my multigenerational family was very close. She has buried her son, her husband, and her daughter and has been watching the people closest to her pass away. She is very strong but Im not sure what this will do to her. I am very glad to have the comments I got from last nites entry because it reminded me that I am loved and not just by mere humans but by our very Creator and He cries when I cry. This woman and her husband are the reason I believe what I believe and she is the reason I ever learned to pick up a microphone. I hope that I can be a reflection of the One who loves us eternally and unconditionally. I hope that I can remind her that she is not alone. The aunt in NC was a Jehova's witness and that confuses me but I will leave that to the Lord, He knows our hearts and I know He knew her's. The other aunt that is here shares the same faith as us but Im not sure where her relationship is. I am coveting prayers for their families, friends and loved ones.

I am thankful for the good and bad times in my life because they help me grow. I have to constantly remind myself that He sees the whole picture and I only see bits and pieces and I just need to believe Him to be who He says He is. I am believing with all that I am. I am grateful to all of you out there who take the time to take a glimpse of my heart and contribute to my life. I am thankful for you and your hearts. I pray Gods richest blessings on you...have a great day!!!:o)

Heavy Hearted Ponderings

2005-07-14T17:23:00.000-07:00

Well I guess I should count myself fortunate but I knew it was going to happen..the thunderheads were off in the distance and I could feel the climate changing and sure enough it hit...this storm was like so many others and being backed into a corner was not were I wanted to be. Questions of my child rearing, the fact that my housekeeping abilities are a little poor at the moment since picking up a little extra at work, bringing up past mistakes and failures werent supposed to be used as amunition at least that isnt the way storms are supposed to be. I realize that I am not just an innocent victim of the storm I can fire a few lightning bolts also, but this wasnt me this time. I didnt ask for the rain. It hurts, escpecially when I wasnt prepared. I was looking forward to a quiet enjoyable evening...did not happen. Now I just feel sick, inadequate..hurt. Ive been carrying around a lot of questions this week that I have been trying to keep buried.......somone had been discussing who are your true friends. About how some appear to be your friend on the surface but when it comes down to it they will turn on you or you are just a fun person to be around at a convenient time to them. I never considered this. I just love everyone the same....with all of my heart and soul. I dont have many friends any more and it made me question if I really ever had them or was I just forcing myself on them as a friend. Now this little storm arose and just brought more thoughts of loneliness. I know Im not supposed to feel this way but with the journey Ive been on lately, my ground is a little shakey. I know tomorrow is another day and all will work out just fine, but storms can have a lasting effect sometimes. I guess things can work on you very negatively, this is one of those times. Well, this is my journal and it isnt always going to be profound, or funny but I am just sharing a hurt. I dont wollar in it long but when it comes..man it cuts deep. And I know Im not alone perhaps Im just a little lonely can that be like that?? Could I humbly ask for you to whisper a small prayer for me?? Tomorrow is a fresh start and I am so glad for those.............how about you?? good nite you sweet bloggers...

You name it!

2005-07-12T10:20:00.000-07:00

Well you name it , its in here today. :o)
I will start by saying...the little guy walked from my daughter to me last nite!! How exciting is that?? He stood there for a while just waving at me but finally he trusted enough to step and just keep on stepping right into my arms..how cool..he is only 9 months old!! I cried...he is still trying it again today. Who knows by the end of the week he will be running across the living room..I hope not!! He is so proud of himself...:o)

I ran again this morning...but I had to go alone. My running buddy is out of town and I had to do another 9 miles. It was alot harder on my own but I had to do it for myself. I just had to see if I had it in me. I drove down to my Grandma's in Fall Creek and ran up the ole 79 that went to Hannibal..now it goes to the overpass on the highway that takes you to Hannibal. I left about 5:50 and it was just sprinkling. It was kind of nice. Kept me somewhat cool. As I ran I saw alot of familiar places that I havent seen in a while, at least not from a car. Familiar smells, sounds. It was nice but it made my heart ache for my Mom. Funny how you start out on something and your mind takes you elsewhere. But once I hit the pig farm..whew!! I picked my pace up just a bit..that was nasty. I finally made it to the turn around and said ok...half way there lets go...but about 2 miles down the legs got really heavy again...and right in front of the pigs....I can still smell them ha ha..something popped into my mind..I wasnt even thinking anything but there it was...I am with you always, Ginny, even on this run so dont give up until the end....now, I have been accused of multiple personalities....ha ha??..but I knew where this came from. I made it...I finished...it wasnt pretty at all..barely a crawl but I got done at 7:26. I wasnt alone and I am soo glad I wasnt. The run reminded me of the race we are all trying to finish..scripture says to run the race as though to win it...now I know I wont win any foot races...but my winning is finishing running. I think that is how our life is. We start by walking at first, just like my Brenden, we stumble around for a while, fall down, smash our noses, bloody a lip or knee on the way down but we get up again..and then we try running. No its not pretty but you can feel the wind in your hair a little and it feels really good...yes you stumble and fall and this time it hurts alot more cause your moving faster but you get up again and just keep trying your best. Sometimes your fast and its easy but other times it just stinks and its hard and you wonder why you ever even try but you just keep going because you know the prize at the end is worth it. So I will bandage up my knees when I fall ,and just keep plugging away. I hope that along the way I continue to learn and share the love I have with others...and I hope that all of those in the race with me will keep the dirt off my butt when I fall down and I will do the same for them.

Wow...5 whole days...

2005-07-10T18:50:00.000-07:00

I know its been a while but Im here! We just got back from and exciting family reunion in Galesburg, Il. Now, I know what you are thinking what could be fun in Galesburg...I really didnt know until I got there...There is a lake there Called Lake Stoney...now we didnt find this until late in the afternoon Saturday too late to do anything we were going to a weiner roast...darn it!!! And I layed out by the indoor pool at the hotel and roasted and had to leave cause it was too hot!! Well today we went to a little park called Windemere Estates which sits on a beautiful lake...and it had a beach. It more than made up for yesterday...I parked my little chair in the sand and roasted...I loved it. So many boats, sea dews, skiing...I loved it but we had to come home so Im excited to go back someday. We saw Mike's uncles who look so much like his dad that it makes your heart ache. It was nice to sit outside last nite under the stars while they played guitars, mandolins, and banjos. They sang bluegrass and gospel and to hear How Great thou Art under the stars was amazing. Really made you sit back and just realize...how great He really is. We made it back safe and have already been arguing so I guess things are back to normal...but it was nice for a while...even though I had to sit in the back of the van while Mike's mom had my seat up front...hmmm not sure how I feel about that but oh well, Off to a new week Smile and the world smiles back, fart and you clear the van!!!!!! just a helpful travel tip!!!

Pot Luck...

2005-07-05T06:15:00.000-07:00

Took my family to see the fireworks last evening. This included my almost 9 month old grandson. His mama stayed home to shower so I got to show him his first fireworks. He wasnt much interested at first. He would watch a few here then a few there but then came the finale...and he loved it. I guess they lasted long enough to intrigue him :o) It was really cute.

Did you know that when you drop Corelle plates on ceramic tile it kind of explodes and slivers? I didnt until yesterday. Pulled a plate right off of the top shelf and it smashed onto the floor and all the way down the basement steps...that was lovely...NOT!! I am still cleaning it up. Dont try it at home just take my word for it.

Ran 9 miles this morning with my running buddy. Boy I can tell you this be careful what you eat the nite before because it follows you on the entire run. I hit a wall about mile 8 which was running up in front of Baldwin. We ran down Maine and it wasnt that bad until there. I hopped up on the curb and thought I was being cute singing and everything and then my legs felt like lead weights. That entire last mile or so was not pretty but hey I got it done. Stinky and all. Felt good though so Im going now to take a nap. I have the day off and am going to finish some stuff up today and take it easy. I hope you all had a great weekend. It was pretty and the rain was needed but I wanted to swim more. OH well, the heat will be back :o) yippee.

What a hot day....

2005-06-29T11:49:00.000-07:00

It was even too hot to float. I was sweating even in the pool...yuck!! Having a very uneventful day Had great choir nite. Got to visit with Neal quite a bit he is a funny feller!! I think I could adopt him.He seems very nice and has a heart after God like no ones business. Glad to get to know him a little better and looking forward to getting to know him even better. We rehearsed a song acopella last nite and it was beautiful...I truly hope God was pleased :o)

Got a call from a friend yesterday. Really suprised me. She was way too sweet and it was so nice to hear her sweet lil voice. She really has a heart for the Lord and for young people. She is just awsome. She really made me feel special...God truly surrounds us with angels if we will just pay attention.

Must admit Im kind of crabby today. Not sure why....kind of down..perhaps its the heat. God is too good to let heat bother me. :o) Read another chapter in this book by Beth Moore. Man, she is nailing me in the heart big time. I have always wondered why those of us who are sold out to Him sometimes make stupid mistakes. Why we sin, when we know He has paid the price. She is really opening my eyes to alot of the spiritual warfare that goes on not only in the world but inside of us each day. She talked about how some of us have a heart that is totally sold out but our minds and imaginations dont belong to Him, then there are others whose minds belong but the heart is still iffy. She explained how satan,yes small letters cause thats all he's getting of me, knows what he can get to and boy howdy, he hits it hard...Gods great grace abounds. We can have confidence in that and hold on to the future and let go of our pasts...wow off of my soap box now...sorry. :o)

Not much going on here...hope you all can stay cool and relax....looking forward to a quiet evening...on the couch...luv to you all...:o)

What was I thinking....

2005-06-28T10:30:00.000-07:00

What in the world was I thinking...really? 13.1 miles...can I really do this? We took out this morning at 5:30 for a sweltering 8 miles. Again, what was I thinking? I barely made it. It did feel good though I must admit. But man I just wasnt sure about it about 3/4 of the way through. We did finish in great time so we will see how this goes. I am very greatful for friends who encourage me to keep going and run with me. I am alot slower but they wait for me. God love them!!! I am greatful that I can do it physically though. Has taken me years to get here...long way to go still. :o)

Its gonna be so hot tomorrow. Yuck...hoping to float in the pool for a few hours. Just too hot to do anything else. I have been reading a really great book..."When Godly people do ungodly things". All I can say is wow!!Beth Moore is a great writer and I am enjoying this book alot. Only 4 chapters in and I just got it Sunday :o) Really makes you think about why things happen to people. Teaching me about grace and love!!! well, not much else going on here. Boring!! Looking forward to "choir"practice tonite...get to see some loved ones...and sing some very loverly songs written by a loverly young man.....stay cool all....hugs.

Did I mention....I love Sundays!!!

2005-06-26T16:55:00.000-07:00

I know I have said it before but I will say it again, I do love Sundays. A Sunday like today was special after a very special evening. Went to a beautiful wedding of two beautiful hearts being joined together for eternity to share a life and a ministry. I bawled my eyes out. From the moment the song "today I met the boy Im going to marry.."until they introduced the beautiful couple. See 20 years ago I took those same vows. I had wonderful memories of my wedding. :o) This is the first time I had been back to the church since we switched and I must say I was flooded with wonderful memories. I thought it would be weird but it felt familiar. It was almost comfortable. I visited with familiar faces of friends and people I hadnt seen since we left and just let them know how much I loved them and missed them but I hope they could see how happy I was. I let them know under no circumstances could they keep me away from there when the choir sings or when there is something special. I will be there to enjoy and support. We are still all part of the same family even if we arent in the same building.:o) Anyway, you could really feel the Spirit of the Lord moving through this ceremony. It was awsome. I can only hope for my daughters the kind of love I saw last nite and have seen grow between these two over the years.

Then we went to church this morning. It was from Romans 5:8. Jerry talked about we can say we love Christ but are we really showing it? Stating actions speak louder than words. How we can profess to be a christian but are we really living the life. Touched a bit on the prodigal son...I was bawling my eyes out. The praise time had everyone in total abandonment. People were on their knees. It was awsome to be in that place. God layed my heart open...again. Made me really think about the life I live and am I giving and living the way I profess...probably not. Things to look at and give over to change. Like it says..."But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. " While we were still on the other side He showed us how He loved us. He didnt say it, He showed us. Thank you that you love me even when I feel unlovable. I hope I can shut my big mouth long enough to show you I love you..:o)

Well that was my Sunday. I curled up next to my hubby while he watched golf and remembered why it was 20 years ago I signed on for this journey with him. The familiar laugh he has at the dumbest things...the way he smells, and the biggest thing of all...his chest hair....I love it!!!( i know more than you ever wanted to know)But I am thankful for the little things. The way he wants to help our family to grow closer to Christ. See, he was in the ministry for 3 years. He got into the youth ministry and I was so proud of him. He did a great job but he felt it was probably not where he belonged. It was sad but I know there is a place for him somewhere. He loves to teach so perhaps God will open a door for him. He is a good guy. But what a way to end a great weekend. Now Im watching "Meet the Faulkers" not sure where this is going...Ive never seen it soooo we will see. I have a twisted sense of humor :o) Well, happy evening to you all. I hope your Sunday was as much a blessing as mine was. God is good isnt He!!!! :o)

Potpurri'

2005-06-25T05:15:00.000-07:00

I got up this morning early to run. Training for this half is really keeping me dedicated to my schedule. Took out and the sun was just starting to share the sky with the moon. That has always made me smile...seeing the sun and the moon in the same sky. Kind of make me thinks that God just wants to be sure that we never go without some sort of light. The sun for the day the moon for the night and for a brief moment they share the sky to say hello and then one gives way to the other..how awsome is that..the sky was pink and yellow and you could smell the freshness of the day. A type of renewal. Isnt that a wonderful reminder from God that every day can be a renewal, a new beginning. I choose to take that today and everyday. I wish everyone would just get up early once a week and just wait on the sun and the beginning of the day. Gods love just overtakes me sometimes and I just cant believe that if I was the only one that would have needed His son that day He still would have sent him for me...that is just too much to fathom. But boy am I glad that its true..can I get an amen.

Dealing with a heavy heart this am. Got the paper today and saw my cousin's husband on the front page. Her husband molested a family member and was sentenced to 4 years in prison. She just got her dad home from bypass surgery and now this. I am torn between anger and sympathy. Im angry that he did this. And to someone who trusted him completely with no hesitations. He was her protector and he vialated that. The other part has sympathy for him because I know he loves his family and he is really trying to work this out and his family is standing beside him. I know where Christ is. He is loving him and forgiving him. I will do my best to do the same and pray for a continued change in his life. I will pray for my cousin because this will bring financial hardship on them and I cant imagine emotionally what effect this will have on them.

I watch the news and see that they have found the 3 New Jersey boys in the trunk of a car. I used to play in an old car never thought once about a trunk lid shutting. I just cried over this. I cant imagine and dont want to, how the parent and families will cope and deal. Again, prayers for the great comforter to interceed. Now a story about Billy Grahm. How wonderful. A story of sadness followed by a story of hope and great faith. God is so at work right now and I hope people see this. He is really trying to get our attention, He just wants to love us and save us so that we can all be together with Him and not have anymore sorrow or grief if we will just believe and follow. So today Father, I pray for you to be with all of these who need you today. And draw those close to you who feel alone, lost or are hurting. I thank you for my loved ones, I know you are in control Father, and for those times when I try to drive will you please remind me to just scoot over into the passenger seat and relax. Just let me work the radio dial and I will let you choose the road and the path that we go down. Be with my friends today in all that they do and keep them safe. And forgive me when I do things that arent in your plan..just remind me and help me to stay strong and on your path...for all of these things I am grateful...I stand in awe of you...

TGIF....

2005-06-24T10:58:00.000-07:00

Im sooo glad its Friday. :o) Yes, it hotter than I belive hell itself...my face has completly melted onto the sidewalk...yikes!! I must admit I have had a rough nite...my poor daughter is facing a hard road ahead of her. She is trying to do the right thing by Brenden's daddy and his parents and us. How do you let a child of 16 who has a child grow and make her own mistakes without it hurting her in the long run? I have prayed and turned it over but then I find myself picking it back up again and carrying it around again. She does love this boy...God help her. She has so much to deal with and alot of people feel that this is part of her "punishment" for her poor choices. I know life is going to be hard for her but I dont believe that God wants all of this for her. Perhaps its just because of her not seeing past the moment. Perhaps its part of her test its not for me to say and I just have to trust...its hard, so very hard. We all want the very best for our children, Im just not sure this boy is it. But I could be wrong and perhaps the seed that we planted by loving him, taking him to church so he could see about the most awsome love a Father can have. I believe God will use all of this, its just really hard when I cant see the whole picture. It puts a big strain on our whole family. We are a strong bunch so I know it will be ok. So please pray for her, that God will open her heart and give her the wisdom she needs to make good choices. I thank you for your prayers.

On the phone with my grandma. We got my Uncle all better but now it looks like I will lose my aunt over the weekend. This is my grandpa's sister. I was just sharing with her its not like I have been close with them as an adult but all of those memories from childhood. Its like a whole part of you is dying with them. As though losing Mom all over again...but I know my aunt needs to rest, I take comfort in the promises we have.

Well, not going in the pool today. I have a whole house to be cleaned(big shocker there!) Im going to try to plant the rest of my flowers tonite or tomorrow. I cant wait to get the rest of this stuff done. Im excited to see what it will look like. There is a little relaxation in knowing I dont have to go back to work Yippeee!!

Hope you all find some time for yourselves this weekend. Stay cool...hugs to you all.

What a beautiful mornin'......

2005-06-23T11:42:00.000-07:00

What a beautiful day!! Its hotter than crazy!! Only way to cope is to get in the pool.....did you hear me...get in the pool!!!! Tell everyone you know you have specific orders to get in the pool. ha ha..I just got out. The tree in our back yard has now covered the pool and taken my tanning so I have come in to eat and to blog. Got up at 5:30 and ran and I can vouch...it was got then too!! Not really sure what I was thinkin about signing up for a half marathon in Chicago in AUGUST!! Oh well, I wont be , my buddy Kris will be along and of course the good Lord sends me an angel to help me along. Thank you Lord for being with me even when I run..:o) could never do it alone. I remember the scripture about running the good race...I dont know if it will be good but I do hope to finish. Anyway, spent the afternoon with my daughter Chrissy in the pool...saw another friend today I havent seen in along time and stopped and yelled...that was nice :o). Got a voicemail from one of my bestest buddies giving me crap about not getting out of the pool to answer the phone...that was nice to that someone was thinking about me today. Dont have to be back to work until 4:30 so Im going to be lazy and watch tv and relax. Then come home around 6:00 and clean house and maybe plant some more flowers. Its been a great day. I thank the Father for simple pleasures and for the blessings I have. I know most days dont feel like this so I treasure these. Looking forward to the weekend and going to a beautiful wedding. Then going to church on Sunday and finding what I can bring to worship. God always gives me something I want to be sure that I bring something of worth...me and my heart and my life. Yes, I make mistakes and fall down and still do dumb stuff...Im just glad He still forgives me as I try to do my best on this journey....Hope you all take care and stay cool!!!!Again get in the pool!! luv to you all....

Heart Ache

2005-06-22T08:21:00.000-07:00

I just have to wonder how long it takes for a heart to mend. Last nite on my way to "choir" rehersal I saw a "friend" of mine that I havent seen or talked to in such a long time. We used to be best friends. We have shared a lot over the last 10 years and I had thought that no matter what went on between us at anytime we would always be friends. Well, last night I guess I got a smack of reality. I saw this person coming toward me and I hung my hand out the window waving madly and smiling...I got a finger wave. Now perhaps Im over-reacting I will be the first to say this...but I dont think so. This isnt the first time this has happened. This happened before and ya know what I got a nod...so I choose to come to the knowledge that we are no longer friends. Now I am learning on this journey of faith Im on that there are certain relationships that arent healthy and arent the best for you as you grow. I guess this is one of them and I guess that if I really think about it its true....it just thought that this person seemed to really care at one time. I believe now it is my turn to extend grace and just believe that this person needs to move on also. So with the same grace that Jesus extends to me I wil extend it to them. And will hope that they find every happiness and God's richest blessings. Doesnt mean it not hard but I am choosing to trust God in this. Pray for me...this isnt easy for me at all, but I want this person to be very happy and at peace. I will probably encounter this alot over my life time...I hope that Im able to handle it gracefully and not do or think things that are detrimental to anyone and hope that I can remain a witness to our Lord. Perhaps some time in the future when I am stronger and in another place this person and I can rekindle our wacky friendship...until that time I will trust and be still and know He is in control of even the little things....to this friend who will never read this...luv you and will pray for you each and everyday....to my friends who will read this I want you to know how much I love you and I hope we never have to come to a day when all we are reduced to is a finger wave....lets always hug and pinch tushies!!!!!! :o)

My Husband

2005-06-19T15:23:00.000-07:00

Well, its Fathers Day. It has been a wonderful day. Its Sunday so I met my friend Kris at 5:30 am and went for a 4 mile run. It was so beautiful. It was hard to get up this morning I was really tired but was glad I did it once we got done :o) Came home and made a beautiful bowl of fruit for my husband with a bagel. I wanted him to have a very special day. Now you must understand soomething, Mike and I havent always been in this place. Quite frankly we have been more in the other place of fighting and not getting along and just very unhappy. I wasnt sure we would ever get to this point. For the most part I can say it has been my fault. I was 18 when I married him. He was my first and only boyfriend. He was my first date. I never knew anything but him. Well, as time has gone on I have grown quite a bit in different areas than him. When his father died I expected that he would really step up to the plate and become the man I knew he could, he didnt. Instead I picked up the pants and wore them. Then my Mom died and I grew up even faster and never looked back. I proceeded to lose over 100 pounds( a Backstreet Boy) and gained confidence and instead of putting faith in him and God I put it in myself and grew very distant from him. He never forced me to do anything and I took that as weakness instead of a sign of love. Then I had enough, we were living with his Mother for 7 years prior to that and I felt she had my place in his life so I moved out. I had every intention of divorcing him, but God had other plans. You see I expected him to shrivel up and just lay down. We agreed to counseling . I put in my head that I would go to 2 sessions then file. But what happened over the next few weeks was a God thing. First He placed a book in my hand that I credit to opening my eyes the most "The Five Love Languages". Then at the counseling sessions, Mike really suprised me and said things I hadnt heard him say in years. I began to see the glimpse of the man I feel in love with. Well,needless to say we reconciled. I praise God for that. It hasnt always been easy. There are days it would just be easier to stick his head in the garbage disposal..haha..but for the most part it has come a long way. He is the best Dad ever. I didnt have a Dad to speak of but this man is the greatest. He loves to play with his girls...it doesnt matter if its Barbie or playstation..He has always put them first. He loves them with all of his heart and it shows. In the last few months since I have been changing our relationship has grown to a place I didnt think it would ever get. Once I put faith in him and God things have been in their right order. Instead of me looking to others for security and affirmation I look to him...you know, I get it every time. I dont have to wait in line. He knows I need that. God has a special place in his heart. He is a Godly man. Im just sad it has taken me 20 years to put this together. So in August when we celebrate our 20th anniverysary...it will have a whole new meaning. It will take on a brand new and fresh start...I so look forward to the next 20 years and the next million father's day's watching him and his girls and now his grandson. I am so very blessed with this gentle meak man....opposites do attract. Im proof of it. And Lord knows I couldnt live with a ME!!!!!! :o) I hope all of the men in your lives get a special moment today....luv to you all.

Sentimental Notes

2005-06-16T11:52:00.000-07:00

Im sitting here on this beautiful Thursday really enjoying the day. I havent felt this peaceful in a while. Just a testament to what God can do. The windows are open and a breeze is coming in..how wonderful. Talking on the phone with my Grandma. My great-uncle had bypass surgery today and it has been really been on her mind..See we are all she has left plus her brother. She lost her husband and both of her children. My mom's brother committed suicide when he was 13. My Mom passed away very unexpectedly March of 1999. So all of this really has her worrying. The only other sibling she had was a sister who passed away a couple of years ago. He has come through the surgery very well. Answered prayer again. Thank you Father. I really dont know that if something would have happened to him that I wouldnt have lost her too. She is all we have left. It would be sooo hard to lose her.Enough of that. Just anticipating and planning Father's day for my wonderful husband. Planning a day of golf for him on Saturday, this will just give me a chance to finish up the house. Then on Sunday morning wil fix him breakfast in bed and then a nice lunch with his Mom and my Grandma. I want it to be very special for him. He is a great Dad and he deserves the best. Not sure what I want to get him as a gift. Im thinking golf shoes..he really needs them.

Well, Im teaching aerobics tonite at MPCC. Im filling in for my buddy Nancy. Not sure how Im going to feel. Havent taught for a long time but I love it. Will just be really weird since we dont attend there any longer. MPCC will always be a part of my heart and I pray that they will continue to grow and reach people for Christ. It will just be different. But it will be a good time! Well, hope all are enjoying this wonderful day... dont forget to look up and thank the one who made it!!!! hugs to all!!

Just some days

2005-06-15T08:09:00.000-07:00

Well its Wednesday..and I have to tell you I feel much better today than I have in a long time. Last nite was a nite of total worship and a chance for friends to do what they love to do together.When you havent gotten to do something for a while that you were used to doing all of the time you arent ever really sure how its going to turn out. Sometimes I put a little to much expectation on the situation, but I didnt do that this time. I wanted to prepare my heart and make sure it was in the right place before I even got there..I spent the afternoon listening to the cd of Josh and Jerry from this last Sunday that they had preached via dvd on Saturday nite and first service Sunday. The whole sermon was on the wages of sin..how we choose which road we choose to travel. Was an awsome sermon will be glad to share the cd if anyone wants. :o) Anyhow, started the evening with a wonderful "choir" practice. Wasnt sure what to expect but there were my friends. How wonderful to have familiar faces to look at. At the helm sharing the duties was my dear buddy doing what the Lord made her for. But something was different. I totally saw another side of her and was so awed by it. I saw a spirit of humility, although she needed no help with the music she was very humble about her position. She has never been a proud person anyway, I dont want to come across that way, but she was just amazing to me. It was wonderful to be back doing something I love and with people I love. Then we went into the Diorusso for a nite of jammin and praising. It was awsome. I got to sing songs I loved with again, people I love. I just wanted to bathe in the Lord and I could feel Him moving there. I dont know if anyone else did..but when we did "draw me close and "breathe" I just closed my eyes and could feel Him being pleased...that is really all we wanted to do...was to please our Lord. I believe he was :o) So for today I will treasure these memories...and look forward to another Tuesday nite. I will clean house today...Lord please give me patience. It appears I have a job that never ends...give me the energy to do it well and to take care of my children and husband without going off on them for not doing their part....and if you all could pray this prayer for me too. I would hate to bring the broom out today...I need to sweep with it not ride on it :o) blessings to you all.... God is who He says He is and God can do what He says He can do!!!! Boy am I believing that today!!

What a Day....

2005-06-14T13:15:00.000-07:00

Just came home from the hospital....no, not me...a friend of mine just had a baby yesterday. It was her fourth and she looks like it was her first. She had a little boy, well I guess little...8pds 11oz. He is beautiful. They dont have a name picked out yet so I have just been calling him Tyrone...which is driving his dad nuts...hee hee. This couple is a wonderful couple. She just inspires me to be a better wife and mother. She just sets her family above everything else and it shows. She is very tidy, very organized, very dedicated. She is very kind and gentle and her husband is just as sweet and gentle as she is. God definately had a hand in those two coming together. I am very blessed to have them as friends and look forward to getting to know them even better. They go to the same church as me so its nice to share our faith. Yes, she looks absolutely fabulous today....makes me want to barf...still loving her!!! I have a very small handful of people I let close to me and Im glad I let them. She is my age and having another baby...how nuts!! :o) Im fortunate to work with her as well, she is good at what she does and inspires me at work too. I know God brought me to her and to her husband to show me what an uplifting relationship is about. I have had alot of them that just pulled me down so far I couldnt see up. Or have just had friends who liked me but really didnt care to have me around. Im lucky that God has helped me filter out those relationships I need to pack up and get rid of. He is definately replacing them with people who I can bless and can bless me too. Friends are very important to me and I look forward to tonite and hopefully seeing those few who know how much they mean to me....wow...what a day!!!! And its only Tuesday....

Sundays....

2005-06-12T17:15:00.000-07:00

You have to love Sundays. I do. I get up and usually go for a 4 mile jog..notice I didnt say run..I usually leave early enough that I get to see the first glimpses of the sunrise...how beautiful..and soo many people miss this. I see the Father's handy work while others are fast asleep. I come home get some water and a cup of coffee and read the paper. I listen to some awsome worship music and today on the radio must have been Ginny' favorite worship song day cause they played all of my favorites..."Im coming back to the Heart of worship(I know thats not the title but it works for me),and 3 others back to back..that you Lord for that I loved singing at the top of my lungs in the shower. I hope He was honored while I shaved.:o) then went to a wonderful service at the Crossing where Lake Speed a Nascar driver spoke. Wow what a life he had..he really made me think when he made the statement of how he had made racing an idol in his life. He had pushed everything to the side to reach his goals, he didnt pay attention to what he was losing along the way. Wow, God spoke to me..."remember your music..well you made that your idol..you know how I hate idols..but Lord I was doing this for you!!!...oh were you?? or were you setting your eyes on a goal and not listening when I was talking to you about the junk in your life...it became even more important than your relationship with me...do you see this now...Yes, Father I do...I made it more important than everything, I was letting it define me instead of letting you define me....and to think I almost stayed home today. Now I see why I have gone through what I have. The Lord wanted me to worhip Him wholly...inside and out...in the quiet and in public..when it was just He and I and when there was a congregation....somewhere along the way I lost that....but now..."I once was lost but now am found"..see you have to love Sundays...God has all kinds of goodies waiting for you....

Ammendment to the Tree

2005-06-10T16:11:00.000-07:00

Ok the guy didnt get to finish the tree cause he needed a trailer so is coming back tomorrow...no problem right....WRONG!!!!! Black clouds loomed in the west...the wind picked up and guess what.......CRASH....RIGHT DOWN ON THE SIDE OF MY VAN!!!! Boy am I mad....so being the resourceful person I am I took my tiny little hatchett and chopped this huge side of tree so I could move the vehicle....just a few scratches on the van no biggie...glad no one was around and no one was hurt but it still made me really upset....chopping is very theraputic...now I have a huge blister on my hand but I had one heck of a workout....the weight lifting has paid off....probably wake up tomorrow and the entire thing that is left standing will be in the road. Boy will this tree guy be suprised when he comes tomorrow....so much for showing me change...also showed me self control(not)!!! Hey but we're still here........God is on His throne and boy am I glad He is....Now I just have to watch out for houses that are falling out of the sky!!!!!Do I hear tiny voices???

A Tree shows me change.....

2005-06-10T11:05:00.000-07:00

You know God will use whatever He can to get our attention and direct our minds in the right direction and out of the "pity party" we are throwing for ourselves. Today He used a tree. See we lost a huge pear tree in the big storm the other day. Well the other half went today. This tree has been here for a long time. Its just part of the scenery and has been forever. Weird huh. After this afternoon it will be gone. Just a testimony to the ever changing life we have. A tree is sturdy and most of the time outlasts most of us. You just always expect for it to be there....Well, things over the last months have changed so drastically that its hard to adjust sometimes and escpecially for someone like me who doesnt mind change but really likes it when it stays the same. Well, today I was reminded that even the most sturdy of things can be moved and changed. Things you think are so strong can be torn down and dis-assembled. Me too!! I have been torn down and dis-assembled. Thank you Lord. I wouldnt want to be the same person I was 4 or 5 months ago. I like who I am becoming and I love believing in the one who created me that He knows me sooo well and He knows whats on the other side that He just keeps reminding me to trust and believe. I am changing just like the landscape outside my window.....yes I will be able to see down the street now...I will be able to set up a beautiful little flower area so in looking ahead its going to be beautiful. No more bird doodie on the cars...I will miss the songs they sang...He saw this day...He saw this tree coming down...He knew I would use it for the good to see how great change can be and how leaning on the everlasting arms of the one who loves me is the best thing ever....and I can just let it all go and be who He made me to be.....hammbone and all!!!!!!And to count all of the wonderful blessings He's given me....My wonderful hubbie who calls me everyday even with a toothache to tell me he loves me....my Nikki who challenges me every day to remind her that God still loves her and has a plan for her....for my sweet Chrissy who always amazes me with her quiet loving gracefuf,faithful ways, for Morgan who is such a pill she makes me just smile and they all fill my heart with joy....and for my Brenden my squishy..who is a glimpse of heaven right here on earth...How unworthy am I. See, change can be good....just be still and wait to see what else He is going to do with me...I know I cant wait...but I will wait patiently on the Lord!!!

Thursday blahs.....

2005-06-09T16:25:00.000-07:00

Well its Thursday....thursdays are hard for me for some reason. Thats not true I know why. Yesterday was Wednesday...used to be my favorite day. It was the day when I would get together for about 3 hours and just sing my heart out and cause so much trouble and laugh and cry and ponder and wonder. See Wed nites were choir nite for me. I loved the choir nite. Made me feel like I belonged somewhere. Made me feel so close to people. I loved the challenge of the music. I also loved the total experience of feeling the Holy Spirit move through the place. I loved the smiling faces...the warm hugs, the love. For the past 4 months I havent had choir nite. I have been going through phases of mourning for these wonderful times. For some reason today has been very hard. Perhaps its because yesterday I got to sing next to my friend and just worship and it stirred up all of these wonderful warm fuzzies that I wont get to experience again with the same faces or voices. You see I have one of those hearts that doesnt forget, that breaks very easily and it has. My wittle heart is very heavy tonite....but I know Tuesday is coming because you see....Im going to choir on Tuesday nite...Yes I said Tuesday nite...Im hoping to forge new relationships, new laughs, new trouble to cause....new experiences where the Lord just loves so much what He hears that He just has to come and stay for awhile. Then after that I get the wonderful honor of spending some time in total worship and praise and just be bathed in the very presence of the one I love. I am really excited about it and hope that this time next week Thursday will be a great day because I will have had Tuesday nite....I know I am never alone...Im go thankful that He stays with me even when my heart is like this...I know He just pulls me closer and says it will all be ok....I know what is to come....just trust me sweetie....and you know.....I will!!!! good nite my loved ones....

Gone With the Wind......

2005-06-08T12:44:00.000-07:00

Its kind of ironic that my favorite movies deal with the wind....The Wizard of Oz, Gone with the Wind, and Twister. I have always imagined myself as the heroine Jo in the movie "Twister" chasing tornados down the roads. Well, I felt like it today. It got nasty real quick. Yes of course I stood out on the front porch and watched it all. Yes I still stood there while the sirens were going off..yes I even ran out into the road to get the trash can while our huge pear tree split in half and went to the ground!!! Cool!! I love the adrenaline...the dark clouds the wind....but I must admit that I got really scared when the clouds appeared to be worse as they headed toward the northeast side of town where my husband works. Mind you in a building with no basement. I got very nervous and then my phone rang...it was him checking on us....Thank you Lord for your mercy and safety. Well, it appears for now the storm is over. Could get nasty again later...yes I will be on my front porch...what do those weather people know....I can tell more for myself than listening to them....so for now I will keep singing..."somewhere over the rainbow...way up high" until I end up running for my basement that is. God is in control...He is who He says He is...He can do what He says He can do....He can calm the storm and my buttferflies in my tummy!!!!

Swimming with a 7mo old!!

2005-06-07T10:58:00.000-07:00

Ok, so the thought of me in a swimming suit isnt the most wonderful thought but get over it:o) I just spent half an hour in the pool with my lil guy and he loved it. At first he wasnt too sure he wanted any part of this but after he became secure in the fact "mamaw" had him, he was so good to go. Put him in his little boat and boy did he want to go. If his little legs could have carried him he would have sped around the pool like a little speed boat. Two of my beautiful girls were there with us floating like water lillies on their rafts. He was very happy to chase the red ball into their rafts and splash. How much more perfect could it be. Granted it was only half an hour but it was a great time in a rather busy day. What a great little moment in the middle of the day. That is the great part about my job...my afternoon breaks. Coming home and spending time with my girls and my little guy!! My big guy is at work so he missed out...shucks. But I am thankful for those precious little moments that sometimes can be over looked but need to be treasured and kept in those files in your heart that you can pull up anytime when you need to smile...that was mine today...consider it filed.

Evening comes quietly

2005-06-06T18:53:00.000-07:00

How quietly the evening comes. A long day at work which I love. I am still basking in the glow of a wonderful conversation I had today with someone I love very much. I have known her for 10 years I think and my life has never been the same. I sit here this evening remembering warm and fuzzy times we have shared together as well as those not so fuzzy times. I am grateful for everyone of them. In the last few months I have questioned my very presence on this earth. I have been through alot of painful but necessary changes to become the person I have always professed to be. She has been there through it all. You see, we share the same passions: music, singing, friendships, family, faith. How fortunate am I that as I "stand"here she is still constant in my life. When so many things around me have changed...she is still there. I am so very blessed to have her still in my life. People who I called friends for what ever reason are no where to be found and you know that is ok. Like in our sermon last week some of those relationships are better packed up and never reopened. But this relationship is one that I believe is getting ready to go to another level. It will be a one of uplifting one another and praying for one another and holding fast. I am a better person for having known her and for still having her in my life. I look forward to the years we have in front of us. I look forward to the people God will change us into, and I hope when we are old and gray we will still think we are the youngest chickies around and still be rockin and rollin with the Hillsongs.....I so look forward to it!!!!!! So before I go to bed tonight and I am thanking our loving Father for my wonderful family I will thank Him that for whatever reason....she is still in my life and thank Him and ask Him to keep her close to His heart....I love you my friend.

Wow Im here....

2005-06-06T12:26:00.000-07:00

My!! friend turned me on to this....it just seems so intimate but at the same time very therapeutic. Im sitting here watching my 7mo old grandson explore the kitchen...it is so fun to see someone find something for the first time...makes me wish I could find great interest in the ceramic tile in my kitchen but boy he does!!! How wonderful is the mind of a loving Father who creates such a wonderful little being to remind us how powerful He is and never forget to be in awe of everything He has created!!!!Brenden you are such a gift!! I hope all who will share this wonderful journey with me will find it fun and get to know me even better....what a wonderful day in the blogging neighborhood!!!!!!